Some Freewritten Poetry Drafts

Was doing some free writing for my creative writing poetry class. I gave myself about 10-15 minutes to just write whatever came to mind. No editing. Just drafts of whatever I was feeling at the time. I did this literally 10 minutes ago and I really feel how raw these are so I wanted to share with you all. Talk soon 🙂 – Mo

The Cheap Motel

I could be in the cheapest place
But in your company I felt safe
You looked at me like you could see the world in my eyes
I guess it was a world you didnt want to be in anymore.
The smell of cigarettes next door
The poor plumbing system in the bathroom of the cheap motel
With you
I felt like a part of me was being revived
Making me feel that I could do all the things that I have always wanted to do
But then you left and you left all the pieces of the memories behind
To be dealt with on my own
Alone again
Nothing new
Just another too good to be true

Cluttered Desk

My cluttered desk scattered with all the thoughts and the words that ill never say
It’s become a daily tradition — a tribute to loneliness
Some days I feel okay
Some days I feel like I could do without feeling so much
A blessing and a curse
It’s great to be able to be so in tune with everything I feel
But sometimes
It’s hurts too much to bear
All the pain
On my own
I have always been alone
We die alone
So it’s good practice
Isn’t it?

Simply Don’t.

It’s frustrating as fuck to be able to feel so much so quickly. But I had a conversation today with someone who has experienced far more life than me and therefore is far more wise in what it means to deal with the predisposed association and connection that women have with their emotional side. Why is it that we tend to feel more emotional attachment to people and feel more pain than men? Like is it seriously in our biology or is it a social construct? Like toxic masculinity? She said that we, as women, have the ability to unlearn aspects of ourselves. We have the ability to detach. We have the ability to never get attached in the first place. We have the ability to decipher whether we want something serious/emotional/intimate or whether we simply want to use our body as a tool with no emotions having to ever be created and attached onto the act of physical touch. I never really thought of it this way. I know that I feel a lot quickly and that it is hard to share parts of myself with people without catching feelings or automatically wanting to dive into something serious. But then I think back to earlier this year when I was truly exploring what being “single” meant to me. And I had that. I was able to form relationships with people with the understanding that it would never be anything serious. This was seen as super unconventional to me initially. Not by society, but moreso in my life. But with that mindset I was able to keep those friendships even though nothing serious came of them. I am content with those friendships and experiences that I shared. So then I ask myself today, why the hell are you allowing yourself to feel so much for something out of your control and something that is not going to happen? LMAOO today another friend told me “Never simp.” And honestly he right. Because what the fuck? I am a bad bitch. I have too many moves to make out here with the position I am in than to be constantly thinking/obsessing/simping over someone that just simply does not want me. Someone who literally probably is not even thinking of me at all. Like, mo. That’s some small dick energy. I am so young. I have so much life ahead of me. Why am I so obsessed with the thought of love and commitment? I always tell myself “Oh, if this does not work out, then I am solely going to focus on myself” and as soon as I make a connection with someone I’m like “nvm.” But here is what the fuck is up, mo. Don’t fucking allow yourself to make a connection! Simply don’t. Simply don’t welcome that into your life. I am so tired of feeling unappreciated. Of feeeling like I am the only one willing to go the extra mile to make something work. dude. Fuck that. I need to be going the extra mile for myself and myself only. And starting now, that is exactly what I am going to do. My heart is now shut. I am no longer open to the possbiility of meeting someone and finding love. I am only open to the possibility of continuing to be ambitious, make money, stay fit and healthy, and be content as an independent individual. Someone would REALLY have to prove themselves if they wanted to ever become something serious with me. Fuck commitment. Fuck caring about things that will never change. As far as I am concerned, no one is worthy of experiencing what I have to offer when I truly give my all to someone. Nah man. That energy is simply reserved for me.

mo

honestly this is all over the place lol

i want to be hopelessly in love. I want the love that makes you feel like you can’t breathe. You ever just listen to music and wish you had wrote it to claim for your own? That’s how I feel about Ex:Re by Ex:Re. Please listen to this album. This album makes me feel so fucking much. Okay I digress. The point of this post is so much more than I can even put into words. I have been meaning to write A LOT lately. But, I never write when I get the urge. Instead, I’m just kind of like “I’ll write tonight when I have the time” but then that urge just goes away and when I finally sit at the computer nothing comes out.

Anyways, the point of this post is that here I am. Finally giving in to the urge to write. Listening to this beautiful ass album wishing and craving to be in love. And for it to be fully reciprocated. I just want to feel. And have those experiences. I do feel…a lot. These past 8 months have been sooo fucking transformative. I finally feel like myself again. I have found my passion for dance again. I have been able to fully dedicate myself to the gym. I have been taking so many sporadic and spontaneous leaps to fully experience life as much as I possibly can given the circumstances in the world right now.

This might turn into a bunch of random shit so bear with me because I have some stuff to say.

Its crazy. How quickly people can evolve, change, grow in such a short span of time. But what even is time? Its a man-made concept made to help us process the meaning of light and dark. But its all the same. Its just change. And change is fucking scary sometimes. Especially when it comes to the people you love. Because you can either grow together or grow apart — and usually its apart. And thats what scares me. To love again. But also my heart is so fucking receptive to feelings and to never wondering what if. So at this point I just kind of live in the moment and let love come to me. Im not like those kinds of people who are afraid to love because of the past. I never hold my past against anyone. Everyone starts with a clean slate with me. But as soon as something is not going smoothly, I get all into my head about it. And me? Overthinking? It isn’t pretty. But someone recently told me that overthinking is a conscious decision just like not overthinking is also. So I’m just kind of taking everyday as it comes.

I love to fucking feel. To feel all the feelings. To fuck. To make love. To be in the arms of someone I really care about. I love to preach about how I’m this independent ass bitch who does not need a man. But I find myself every night wishing I was in the arms of someone I really care about. LOL fuck am I in love? Nahhhhh. But I could be falling in love. And that shit so invigorating and scary and exciting. But not if its one sided. Fuck this album is so good. And now this post is all over the place.

I’m happy for those in my past. I know we are all in very different parts of our lives. Have found something new – whatever or whoever that may be. But there are never any ill feelings. I don’t fuck with people who are like “fuck my ex!! I never loved them” Like please. HOw could you talk shit about someone who used to be everyting to you?? Anyways, thats not the point. If any of you ever see this, I just want you to be happy. And I see that you are. For the most part. And that makes me happy.

Am I happy? I would like to think I am. I have been feeling ALOT lately. Good things? Yes. Shitty things? Sometimes. But we are all human. Its impossible to always feel amazing all the time. All we can really do is continue to live another day and appreciate each as they come.

Im gonna stop cuz my thoughts are truly all over the place HAHAH okie.

I will be in touch.

Mo

something new

i am definitely at a different point in my life than I was six months ago. Crazy — how you can go from believing that someone is the one to accepting that it is okay for chapter books of your life to come to a close to make room for new ones. Reading a book is like gaining knowledge. You immerse yourself. You learn from it and then that knowledge remains ingrained in your mind as you venture into new books, new territories, new experiences. That is where I am right now. I’m finally at the point in my life where I am ready for something new — ready to learn more about myself and continue to grow. For so long I was stagnant — feeling like there was no more I could improve in but it was because I was not being /challenged/ in the way that my mind, body and soul is meant to be. But now I am. And its honestly really refreshing. Its never easy to let go of your past. It takes years and sometimes it never happens. And that is something to be acknowledged — moving on from anything is a process. But it is possible, if you allow it to be. I am open and receptive for the learning opportunties to come as I continue the endeavor of something very new. It’s scary. Unchartered territories. But I know in my heart I am ready. 2020 has been very transformative so far and I am excited for what this new decade will bring for me and this blog. For those of you who are still a part of this, I am excited to share my journey more with you. Introspective Mo is back.

love u all

mo

A post about “Love” or whatever

I’ve come to the realization that I am a hopeless romantic — despite being given every reason to be cynical as fuck.

I just finished watching a movie on Netflix called “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Lol. Don’t roll your eyes. Hear me out. For those of you who haven’t seen it, it basically follows the lives of multiples men/women/singles/couples. But, one person in particular – Gigi –  struck a chord with me. Although she was extremelyyy cringy at times and believed that any sign of a guy being nice meant he was interested in seeing her again, her hope and unwillingness to give up on the possibility of love…man, I felt that shit.  I won’t speak for every woman out there, but I believe in love. In finding something worth fighting for even after bearing experience and witness to the excruciating pain that accompanies ever loving anybody to begin with.

It’s hard though. It’s so easy to get caught up in the questioning of whether or not the person your into is even into you. Do you go with the flow and just hope for the best? But what if the other person just sucks at showing their feelings and is waiting for you to make the first move? What if it’s just because they aren’t fucking into you? Lol. Catch my drift? It’s fucking confusing!! But despite this, I always maintain hope. And I always wear my heart on my sleeve because I know that one day I will be glad that I did. I hate living my life wondering what if. And that doesn’t mean I am searching for something or someone or some feeling. I’m content with being alone in my own solitude. But I know that when the time comes, to love again, my heart will be open and receptive to it.

Love. The one feeling that can one day make you feel on top of the fucking world and on another leave you crawled up in a ball on the bathroom floor asking yourself “Why am I never good enough?” But deep down inside, I know that one day I will be good enough. For the right person.

Gosh, it feels so fucking good to be writing again. I have been so inspired, yet I haven’t been able to get any of my thoughts out. LOL. I fucking cried at the end of the movie. Okay, well not cried.  But teared up, at least. When the guy (I forgot his name) showed up at Gigi’s doorstep and told her that she was right. That him being obsessed with the idea of making women expendable, though it might dodge the possibility of getting hurt, it leads him to the same place: alone. And Gigi, though she may make a complete fool of herself when feelings are not reciprocated, she is always one step closer to finding someone/something that way. He fucking kissed her and I lost it. Lol. Like FUCKKKK. I was like damn it. You fucking hopeless romantic little bitch hahahahaha. But at the same time, I love myself for it.

Like that cliché saying: Better to love than to never have loved at all.

So anyways, now I’m just sitting here, on the couch, in the dark, writing. Listening to my new playlist “Introspection” feeling more inspired than ever and excited for what the future may or may not bring.

I guess what I’m trying to say is:  Don’t give up on the possibility of love. I know my fair share of cynics. And I may be a hopeless romantic, but I’m also not ignorant to the fact that that shit hurtttts and it’s not always rainbows and fireworks. It’s pain, its hard work. It’s even (sometimes) giving your complete all for another person who isn’t willing to do the same for you. But it’s also the most incredible feeling in the world. And honestly? It’s worth it to me. And I hope to find someone one day (maybe I’ve already found that person?? Who knows haha) who feels it is too.

Anyways, I’m going to stop rambling about this because this will literally just turn into a novel about endless hope for love and yada yada yada.

No rush for love on my end – to love or to be loved. But hey, if it comes, it comes. (my mind is in the gutter haha)

Cheers! (Do people end posts this way? Who cares. I’m ending mine this way).

Cheers to love  – something I hope that everyone in this universe gets to experience at least once in their lifetime.

Mo

yes/no

you inspire me to write. to love. to consume every ounce of passion and throw it up across a keyboard, a piece of paper, a blue light screen at an hour in which I should be asleep. you have this funny way of creeping into my thoughts every time i finally think that i can handle life without you in it.

every independent has a first love – someone to show them that the world is not completely fucked up and that something positive can come out of allowing yourself to continue to live another day. everybody needs love even if they cannot admit it to themselves.

we know heartbreak because we know love. we know happiness, sadness, greed, hunger, thirst, jealousy, anger, EXCRUTIATING pain because we know love. we want to believe that we can handle everything life throws at us on our own but the truth is – our minds, our thoughts are fucking monsters. we need someone there to tame them.

you tame them.

our love tames them.

but we have to prepare for the day that the taming comes to a halt. the lips. the two-sided bed. hands. fingers. head-to-chest. only matched by an eye for Gestalt.

i accept that no love will ever compare to ours.

i accept that it will always be you.

but you cant tame my monsters if i cant tame yours.

let me in or let me go

do you want me?

yes or no

 

 

You are a hidden Gem

I just had this inkling to write. Write about my current state of mind and the way I have been resonating with literature and the ideas of scholars that I have come across in the past few days, as well as the novels that I have been reading. I know there are a lot of people who think of literature or “English” courses and just associate it with being something so boring and time-consuming. “Why read this book that this professor assigned me?  20 pages? Do they not realize I have better things to do?” I get it. But maybe listening and paying attention to my thoughts might change your perspective – don’t think of this as reading a post. think of it as listening. let me know what you think.

The reason I love literature is because of its universality. Think of music. It is one of the few things that allows us to connect with our thoughts and our passions and the world outside of ourselves. Literature, to me, does the same thing. I watched a great conversation yesterday at my college given by two fascinating artists/writers/storytellers – Terry Tempest Williams and Colum McCann. A good friend of mine emailed me after the event and asked my opinion of it – this is it. I feel like it really encapsulates my exact thoughts on the state of literature, the importance of getting to know the people around us, and the way in which it allows us to be more empathetic.

“so sorry i’m just now getting back to this. I loved it so much. it really resonated with me. mainly the discussion about the importance of listening to people and understanding the fact that everyone in this world is worth getting to know. everyone has these cognitive processes and complex ways of thinking about life and the way in which it is bigger than ourselves and people need to actually pay attention. pay attention to the strangers passing by. pay attention to the things people say/write/etc. i mean me, for example, i’m extremely quiet in class settings. but i’m so much more than the quiet person in class. just like the student who always speaks up in class is so much more than the student who always speaks up in class. i reallly resonated with this. and i see it’s connections in the novels i’m reading – these stream of consciousness readings. getting in the mind of all these characters like in Mrs. Dalloway.

As the authors mentioned yesterday – it’s something as simple as listening that can make a person more empathetic. and in class today we discussed the way in which literature makes us more empathetic the more we immerse ourselves into it. and i just thought , yes!! exactly. because when we read literature we are LISTENING to the character and we discover so much about these characters and can discover things about ourselves and the world around us. and these characters are just ordinary people. Clarissa Dalloway is just a person. Stephen Dedalus is just a person. But the point is they are people worth getting to know. every person is a hidden gem. it just takes listening and paying attention to help us realize this.”

mo

perhaps

3.11.19

–  the truth about all love is that eventually it has to come to an end. whether that be because of death, feelings lost, someone new, perhaps timing? regardless the case, it ends and your forced to watch the pieces of your soul collapse on the bathroom floor alongside the river valleys and the whimpers –  wondering why the fuck you let it get to this point again and why the fuck you put your heart on your sleeve and let that person take it from you? you remember that it is the best thing that’s ever happened to you.

we all do.

yet, we still can’t help but regret giving ourselves and being vulnerable because whats the point of it all if in the end we are left to begin again?  or perhaps not? perhaps we will never give that part of ourselves away ever again. perhaps we will. perhaps it was never given away to begin with? perhaps it’s always been in you this whole time. and you thought you gave that part of you away but perhaps instead it was hidden –  within.

and perhaps on that bathroom floor wasn’t the pieces of your soul that your love threw back at you when they gave up but perhaps it was the pieces within you that were there – hidden –  saying “hey look. i’m still here. even if he isn’t.” and perhaps he will never love you the way you love him. but perhaps you can love yourself instead? and perhaps that self-love is something that can NEVER be taken from or ripped from your soul. perhaps it is the one kind of love that will never find an end. perhaps it’s the kind of love that we should all aim for.

perhaps.

mo