a free thought

I stare amongst the fired eyes – the life within the space.

The life that I so crave.

The life I could create – but I don’t.

Instead, I just watch.

I watch as the trains pass and the rails keep going until they do not.

Just like your life goes on until it doesn’t anymore.

This is not to get confused with life in general – for that stops for no one.

But the life I lead will eventually give out and the grains of sand will finish the hourglass and I don’t think anyone will be so kind to turn it over for me. They will be too busy with their own.

I have found a need to love myself. To feel enough for the people I love. To not need the reassurance of love from them but to be able to find it within.

I stare amongst the fired eyes of others but where are my own? Where is the fire to ignite them? It is within. Buried beneath the insecurities that even I,  myself, have suppressed. I look at myself as this confident lioness. But the truth is, I am a sheep. Not completely – a hybrid. A sheep morphing. But the only one that can complete the process is me. How will others love me completely if I do not even love myself? Who am I? Who are we? You are I. I am you.

There will always be someone beautiful. Someone funny. Someone that could potentially become the love of someone’s life. There is no such thing as being better than another. Rather, everyone has their own qualities that are just right for them and maybe if someone gets lucky, for that someone as well. Why waste time being insecure? If you are meant for someone. If that someone loves you. You will be the ONLY one perfect in their eyes. Let not an insecurity or fear of being alone keep you from the love you so deserve – from a love that deserves you.

There is no better love than the love you give yourself.

I feel the power of love pounding my chest to break through  – the passion within wanting to ignite. I will let it ignite. Will you?

I stare amongst the fired eyes – the life within the space.

The space is the mirror.

The eyes are my own.

I no longer watch.

They do.

only read this if you care

It’s so hard to find the words that you want to express. Especially when you are nervous that the wrong person might stumble across your writing. But the truth is, I made this for me. Not any one else. I shouldn’t be so confident in thinking others even take the time to read these. Which is okay. I only want people here that want to be here if that makes sense. ANyways, for the past few days, I have been in my head. And I can’t seem to find my way out. Am I happy? Am I sad? Am I even anything at all? I find myself on social media wondering what the point is. It’s so toxic – always worried about what someone is doing with their life, how happy a relationship is, strangers showing off their body transformations for retweets instead of them just being happy within themselves and not needing some form of validation. I’m sure this makes me sound cynical and apathetic but I’m tired of holding my thoughts back because of the need to be “politically correct”. This is my life damn it. It’s my mind. I have a right to feel how I feel whether people agree with it or not. I’m just so damn tired. Of not feeling good enough for anyone. I feel people around me slipping away slowly but surely. I feel so alone. And a part of me wants that. But the rational side of me knows that I need people and knows that the reason I want to be alone is that I am afraid of losing the people I love, and I am scared of having to face this life all on my own. My best friends are off living their lives – making new friends, partying, having sex. My parents busy with work. My boyfriend having fun with his life without me.  And that’s the thing. No one needs me like I need them and it’s something I am not used to. I’ve always been the one everyone needed. For advice. For love. To overcast the negativity in their lives. And they are all doing just fine without me. They don’t need me to be in their lives. It wouldn’t affect them if I was not in it. I am not saying this in a suicide way, I just mean in general. It’s easy to feel like a burden. I hate needing validation so much but I just want to feel needed and appreciated. And I lack that in every aspect of my life. I am unhappy with life. And I am just now acknowledging it. Wow. Me. Being unhappy. What a concept. I just needed to get this out. And maybe whoever cares will read this. If you have gotten all the way to here, Hi. Do you ever feel this way too? Maybe one day I will be content again. But I have a lot of work to do.

I’ll be writing more now. This is really about to be the closest thing to me your ever going to get. So if you care to listen to me rant about my life and the deepest aspects of my life as I experience them, then stick around. If not, thanks for being here for the amount of time you were.

m

feb music tag: day 28,29,30

This music tag is coming to an end and I am kind of bummed tbh. This has been a really good mental exercise for me – more than I thought it would be at least. Having to take a topic and then figure out what song I thought related to it. I realized when I began this music challenge that there aren’t even 30 days in February, so I figured I would include 3 songs in this one. Like a mega-tag post. So keep reading to hear day 28, 29, and 30’s song.

Day 28: “ An old song that you still listen to frequently”

I feel like I still listen to a lot of old Blink 182, Nirvana and basically older punk/rock bands. So I figured I would highlight a Nirvana song because last Tuesday was Kurt Cobain’s birthday :/ RIP. He would be 51. That’s crazy as hell.

Day 29: “A song from your childhood”

I feel like day 28 is kind of similar. But anyways, I’ll highlight a major bop from my childhood that I have always loved.

Day 30: “Your favorite song at this time last year”

I just checked my TimeHop to see if I had posted a song on twitter this time last year because that is basically the main way I utilize Twitter.  And of course, I did. I love that my favorite songs are typically songs from before or early in my time. Old music never dies.

I’m lowkey sad that this music tag is over. But let me know if you guys enjoyed this. I will continue to do song/artist recommendations occasionally though. But I am extremely excited to start posting more on my therapeutic conversations/lifestyle tab – hopefully more consistently 🙂

mo

feb music tag: day 27

A song  you associate with a book”

Unfortunately, I haven’t had much time to do outside reading this semester, so I figured I would do this post based off of my favorite book: Perspective by Robert J. Wicks. It’s this psychology-based book that takes you through different perspectives in order to realize at the end that there is always a calm within the storm. In other words, there are always positives within the negatives of life and it is up to you to channel a particular perspective in order to achieve the ability to acknowledge that positive.

Anyways, this song reminds me of that concept.

Hope you enjoy 🙂

mo

ps : don’t forget if the video doesn’t play on WordPress reader, click to my website and it will play there!

feb music tag: day 26

A song  you associate with a movie”

In case none of you know, my favorite movie is Jennifer’s Body. Not only do I love movies with a strong female lead that EATS human flesh – mostly guys – for dinner, but I love good movies with GREAT soundtracks. This one happens to be one of those movies. I can literally hear a song from the movie and know exactly what scene it played during. I wish I could mention the entire soundtrack but I have to choose one song :/ Therefore, here it is. If you like the vibe of it, please please please check out the entire soundtrack.

In previous posts, I have already mentioned Ready for the Floor by Lissy Trullie and Violet by Hole. So, today this post focuses on Kiss with a Fist by Florence + The Machine 

hope it stimulates your ears;) also the relationship this song talks about sounds so healthy!!!

mo

 

feb music tag: day 23

A song that you want to play at your wedding”

Assuming that one day I get proposed to and am ready for something so big and I actually got to decide on the music, i would for sure incorporate this one. I didn’t know if I wanted to pick out the song for the first dance of the bride or groom or one of the reception songs. I feel like it wouldn’t go to well because I would dead ass want so many rock songs and oldies to play and I don’t think that would necessarily fit well with everyone but then agaiin it would be my wedding. Anyways, that topic is a whole ways off and not even sure if I will ever get to make that step in my lifetime, but here’s a song if by chance I do.

IT MAKES ME WANT TO DANCE. Like come on who wouldn’t get out of their seats or move at least a little to it? The song is golden. idk why but the 1975, especially this song, gives me The Cure vibes and I am here for it.

mo

 

feb music tag: day 22

A good song to listen to when you are sad”

This one really depends. Are you listening to a song to make you feel better? Make you angry and supress your feelings? Or are you listening to a song to comfort you and make you even more sad to cry it out? I guess that really depends on how you choose to cope with your feelings. I tend to listen to music when I am sad to awknowledge that sadness and come to terms with it. A little Jhené Aiko tends to do the trick. Her albums have helped me a lot so I am just leaving you with one of my favorite songs by her.

enjoy

mo