you inspire me to write. to love. to consume every ounce of passion and throw it up across a keyboard, a piece of paper, a blue light screen at an hour in which I should be asleep. you have this funny way of creeping into my thoughts every time i finally think that i can handle life without you in it.
every independent has a first love – someone to show them that the world is not completely fucked up and that something positive can come out of allowing yourself to continue to live another day. everybody needs love even if they cannot admit it to themselves.
we know heartbreak because we know love. we know happiness, sadness, greed, hunger, thirst, jealousy, anger, EXCRUTIATING pain because we know love. we want to believe that we can handle everything life throws at us on our own but the truth is – our minds, our thoughts are fucking monsters. we need someone there to tame them.
you tame them.
our love tames them.
but we have to prepare for the day that the taming comes to a halt. the lips. the two-sided bed. hands. fingers. head-to-chest. only matched by an eye for Gestalt.
i accept that no love will ever compare to ours.
i accept that it will always be you.
but you cant tame my monsters if i cant tame yours.
I just had this inkling to write. Write about my current state of mind and the way I have been resonating with literature and the ideas of scholars that I have come across in the past few days, as well as the novels that I have been reading. I know there are a lot of people who think of literature or “English” courses and just associate it with being something so boring and time-consuming. “Why read this book that this professor assigned me? 20 pages? Do they not realize I have better things to do?” I get it. But maybe listening and paying attention to my thoughts might change your perspective – don’t think of this as reading a post. think of it as listening. let me know what you think.
The reason I love literature is because of its universality. Think of music. It is one of the few things that allows us to connect with our thoughts and our passions and the world outside of ourselves. Literature, to me, does the same thing. I watched a great conversation yesterday at my college given by two fascinating artists/writers/storytellers – Terry Tempest Williams and Colum McCann. A good friend of mine emailed me after the event and asked my opinion of it – this is it. I feel like it really encapsulates my exact thoughts on the state of literature, the importance of getting to know the people around us, and the way in which it allows us to be more empathetic.
“so sorry i’m just now getting back to this. I loved it so much. it really resonated with me. mainly the discussion about the importance of listening to people and understanding the fact that everyone in this world is worth getting to know. everyone has these cognitive processes and complex ways of thinking about life and the way in which it is bigger than ourselves and people need to actually pay attention. pay attention to the strangers passing by. pay attention to the things people say/write/etc. i mean me, for example, i’m extremely quiet in class settings. but i’m so much more than the quiet person in class. just like the student who always speaks up in class is so much more than the student who always speaks up in class. i reallly resonated with this. and i see it’s connections in the novels i’m reading – these stream of consciousness readings. getting in the mind of all these characters like in Mrs. Dalloway.
As the authors mentioned yesterday – it’s something as simple as listening that can make a person more empathetic. and in class today we discussed the way in which literature makes us more empathetic the more we immerse ourselves into it. and i just thought , yes!! exactly. because when we read literature we are LISTENING to the character and we discover so much about these characters and can discover things about ourselves and the world around us. and these characters are just ordinary people. Clarissa Dalloway is just a person. Stephen Dedalus is just a person. But the point is they are people worth getting to know. every person is a hidden gem. it just takes listening and paying attention to help us realize this.”
LIFE UPDATE: hello to you all. so here’s an update. it’s a long read but something i’m excited to share with you all. SO, aside from juggling two summer classes, putting in work at the gym, and being committed in a loving relationship, I am now an independent beauty consultant with Mary Kay. I’m being mentored by the beautiful women on my team who have been successful and are willing to guide me on my journey. I chose this career path because it’s flexible with my schedule and it’s mobile, so I can bring my business with me to Waco while I study at Baylor. I also want to be independent and responsible for myself; it’s time to make my own moves and my huge goal is to pay for law school on my own. I can’t wait to get back and give free facials to all of you women in Waco. I do, however, reside during holidays and summer in the Friendswood/Houston area.
My goal these next 2 weeks is to see 15 faces where I give facials to try products for free, and if they decide they want to buy them, great! But they don’t have to. the point is to spoil women and help them find their lifetime beauty products. For those of you that i can’t make appointments with due to location, I just created a website where you can shop online. Some items are literally only $12. I also give free little gifts with them so you can try out more products. Products are satisfaction guaranteed so if you don’t like them you can exchange for something new or get a refund. I’m beyond excited to be a businesswoman and run it how I want, to network with you all, and to bring women together and make them feel as beautiful as they are. I mean let’s be real, who doesn’t want to just take a damn day off every once in a while and get treated like queens?
To those of you in the Houston/Friendswood/Dickinson/Etc. area: If you are interested in helping me reach my goal and getting pampered all in one, please feel free to contact me! You could also earn some free Mary Kay by helping me out!
– the truth about all love is that eventually it has to come to an end. whether that be because of death, feelings lost, someone new, perhaps timing? regardless the case, it ends and your forced to watch the pieces of your soul collapse on the bathroom floor alongside the river valleys and the whimpers – wondering why the fuck you let it get to this point again and why the fuck you put your heart on your sleeve and let that person take it from you? you remember that it is the best thing that’s ever happened to you.
we all do.
yet, we still can’t help but regret giving ourselves and being vulnerable because whats the point of it all if in the end we are left to begin again? or perhaps not? perhaps we will never give that part of ourselves away ever again. perhaps we will. perhaps it was never given away to begin with? perhaps it’s always been in you this whole time. and you thought you gave that part of you away but perhaps instead it was hidden – within.
and perhaps on that bathroom floor wasn’t the pieces of your soul that your love threw back at you when they gave up but perhaps it was the pieces within you that were there – hidden – saying “hey look. i’m still here. even if he isn’t.” and perhaps he will never love you the way you love him. but perhaps you can love yourself instead? and perhaps that self-love is something that can NEVER be taken from or ripped from your soul. perhaps it is the one kind of love that will never find an end. perhaps it’s the kind of love that we should all aim for.
I haven’t written in what seems like forever and it is so unhealthy. I don’t even know how to write anymore – what to say, what to think, what to do to understand why I feel the way that i do. I just do. I feel happy sad. I have moments where I choose to experience the happy and other days where I choose to let the sadness consume me. And then there are days, like today, where I can’t choose and I just feel how I do. It is so frustrating. Because, what do I have going on in my life that I could possibly be sad about? Nothing. I never force a smile on my face, though. People always tell me that I look sad all the time. I am not always sad but I also don’t and will not ever pretend to be happy. That’s weak shit. One of the things that I live by is to always embrace the negative feelings you experience because it is truly the only way you can grow from it. Eventually, you become immune to the pain and it doesn’t hurt as much – but it never goes away. I just wish i lived near the people who understand me the most. I live near two. And it means the world. But to live near the other three would make life less shitty and less lonely. I am so lonely. And I have always struggled with loneliness. I love my solitude, don’t get me wrong. But there is a fine line between solitude and loneliness and half the time i cross over into the lonely threshold and it fucking suffocates me. I do it to myself sometimes. I push away the people that love me and I seclude myself from the world and I just sit alone in my apartment basking in it all – the loneliness, the sadness, the overwhelming feeling that I will never get to the place in my life where I am in my peak of happiness. Because no matter how many things go right in my life, something always has to happen that counters it and exceeds the happiness and then there i am again. stuck. it never ends. it is literal hell. The people that I love experience worse than me. I do acknowledge that and I don’t mean to say that I have it worse in the world because I know that I am so lucky in so many respects. But it doesn’t make my feelings less valid.
at the end of the day, I am proud of the person that I have become. I am wise. I manage my emotions well. I always find the calm within the storm and despite my own kind of suffering, I suffer through in order to help others suffer through. And that is my purpose in this life. And i will never stop fighting and I hope one day someone will see this in me and want that for themselves too. Life is never going to be perfect and there are always going to be setbacks, but know you are not alone and that with time, pain will subside and you too will suffer through.
It’s tough. Feeling like a stranger in my own home. Feeling like I wear a mask everyday to shield the concentrated liquid swelling my eyes trying hard to seep through. But they don’t. Because I’m strong. Stronger than most think but weak when it matters. I’m so FUCKING tired of being expected to act a particular way for the people that think they know me but don’t. I mean, it’s not like I asked to be born. It’s not like I am trying to be everything they never wanted me to be. I just am. I’m smart, sure. Not as street smart as I wish. Not to be dramatic, but some days I feel like life would be so much easier for everyone if I just didn’t exist. Life would be so much easier for me – if I never existed. I mean what do I really even bring into people’s lives except for rejection? and heartbreak? and dissapointment? The people closest to me, the ones that are deserving of the world, are the ones that I consistently see in pain, whether it be financially, a broken family, a broken heart, mentally. And this is why I refrain from telling them how I feel. Because why burden them with my feelings about my life and make it all about me? I’ve NEVER wanted to be the center of the attention, you can ask my bestfriends. I hate talking about myself. one of my biggest weaknesses is writing those essays that ask “What about you makes you special?” or “What makes you better than others to be a candidate for [insert occupation here]” Nothing. Literally nothing. I just breath. And try to laugh when I can. I don’t know how I am so god damn positive about everything that goes wrong, but I am. But somedays – lately the past month – it’s been so hard. It’s hard to be positive when you feel alone. When you feel you can’t talk to anyone but your fucking computer because if you tell anyone how you feel you get responses like “stop making things about you” or “no one is sitting here worried about you. everyone has better things to do.” LOL. So i just waste my day away by sleeping. Or I use the gym to get away from home and sweat out what I don’t cry. Or I focus on my plans for school. People always wonder why I care so much about school. “Why? What makes school so special? Why do you work so much and never make time for yourself?” Because when I do, I have to face the reality that my life is fucking shit. and i’m fucking unhappy. Okay? “Oh but, you have all this money.” No my parents have the money. I don’t have jack shit. “Oh but you have opportunities that people wish they had. You get to go to Baylor (your dream school), you get a nice ass car. You get an apartment all to yourself.” Yeah. I do. But you know what I don’t get? I don’t get the love and affection that i want/NEED. MOney and all these materialistic things are important yeah – to an extent. But if I could just have aany vehicle that works for transportation, if i had a place to get an education even if its not top tier in anything + the ability of not feeling alone. I would choose that. People just don’t understand. They don’t get that materialistic things aren’t everything when you have no one to share them with. I’m not writing this so when people read (if they even read this far) can pity me. I hate fucking pity. I don’t want any of you to say “I’m so sorry” or “I wish things were different” because what good is that going to do? If you got this far. All I want is for you to say is “I’m here and I hear you” that’s it. No pity. Just listening. That’s all I’ve wanted. To just not feel alone. Not have to fucking voice record my thoughts on my memos and listen back to myself.
I just needed to write this all out because if I went another day with just thinking these things, I probably would have exploded.
The real point of this all was not to focus on the indiviual problems going on in my life but just kind of a way of saying that everyone has their own battles they are fighting through and despite the fact that the media portrays life as glamorous and beauitful. They are simple screenshots of good moments. And yes, great moments can happen in the day but sometimes the rest of the day is shit or the week is shit. But in a way that’s why I enjoy photgraphy and documenting life sometimes becasue it focuses on the good times rather than the bad. But the bad must be acknowleged eventually and that is why I give you posts like this one.
In short, I know things will get better but I will NOT change who I am, what I love or my passions for the sake of money or for the sake of being accepted into my family. Because then who would be accepted? It wouldn’t be me but a fabrication. Anyways, thanks for listening/reading if you got this far. Needless to say, my summer did not go at all how I thought it would go in my last post. But I’m alive. And i’m in love. and i have beauitful bestfriends. And i believe that things will get better for them. Therefore, I believe things will get better for myself. Within time.
Talk to you all soon.
P.S. I’m leaving for London on Wednesday for Study Abroad. Maybe I will feel better there. Will continue to update. Hope you all are having a better summer than i am ❤
it’s hard to believe that the end of my 2nd semester of college is approaching. I have studied about 4 hours straight reviewing for my Neuroscience final that is tomorrow (my last final)! I was in the mood to write earlier when I was studying but I forced myself to get through with reviewing all four units (14 chapters) before writing so now my urge to write has kind of depleted. I have to listen to myself more often! Anywho, this year of college has really tested my ability to be alone as well as my ability to balance my academics and my relationships (friendships, family, significant others). I felt so damn lonely for the longest time. It wasn’t until literally 2/3 weeks ago that I found someone very similar to me that kind of filled that void. I’m forever grateful for that. Also, I really improved in managing my time and studying. Depending on what I get on my final, I’ll most likely be looking at a 4.0 GPA as a Neuroscience major for this semester. Let me know if you guys want tips on studying, I’d be more than willing to dedicate a post to that. I’m just so damn ready to finally be able to make time for myself. I’m currently listening to Kusanagi by ODESZA. The sun is hitting the table that I’m sitting at in Starbucks/Moody Library so nicely. I’ll insert pics 😉 SO much is in store for this summer. The first two months (May & June) will consist of time for myself, working out, writing, spending time with the people that mean the world to me. July will be spent in Great Britain and Paris studying Behavioral Medicine and Clinical Psychology. August will consist of bringing my mind back and ready to take on my second year of college moving into my very first apartment. Excited to spruce it up to make it a real home w/ cute plants and all the simplicities of life that make it worthwhile. This just turned into an update post lol but whatever, it works. I’ve taken to Tumblr again which you guys can find me @notetolife as well. Tumblr is like twitter for me but so much more intimate. I would love to connect with you all there as well ❤ I’m currently working on loving myself more and really just coming to terms with who I am. Okay, so now Manastra // Summer Salt is playing. wow. i feel so happy. Anyways. I’m at the part in my life where I am still growing and figuring out what exactly I want in life and who I want to be in it. It’s a tough journey – life, But I know I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be now. Gonna let the light SHINE on me. That was unplanned but LMFAO, leave a comment if you know what that song references. If you don’t know, you haven’t lived. hehe. Anyways, I’ll wrap this up with a couple last words. I plan on writing way more like WAY more. On here. On Tumblr. I might try youtube again – covers and maybe even some originals that I have been working on. I plan on reading way more. My goal is to read about 5 books this summer. Future Police // The Irons. Okay, I’m going to go back to studying. Thanks for reading it all the way to here if you did :’)
to all of the important people in my life: thanks for being here for me. I am internally grateful for you even if I don’t say it much. Colourway // Novo Amor.
it’s hard. to lose someone who two days ago was explaining how much you mean to them and “how did you ever live without me before we met” and then all of a sudden two days later they aren’t in your life. I will never know why life consistently throws curve balls at my heart as if it wasn’t already bruised enough from the past. You know how long it took me to heal those? about 2 years. when I met you. I have never felt such strong love. I have been in love, I’ll admit. But this? This was different. This was mature and healthy. No fights. Annoyances, of course, but despite disagreements, always knowing that at the end of it all it would be okay because we loved each other – like REALLY loved each other. best friends. lovers. what hurts the most is that there was no reason for the end. you are in love with me. you want to be with me. I’m in love with you. I want to be with you. So why aren’t we together? you know how “when you know, you know?” It’s cliche but it’s one of the truest cliche I’ve ever known. with you, i knew. I was surprised at myself how every guy out there, attractive ones and not, would pass me by but all my eyes fixated on was you. I was comfortable to be myself. I gave myself. I trusted that this was the real thing. A part of me believes that this is a mistake. That you will realize that you love me and this was just you not knowing how to handle your internal mentality right now. Another part of me wonders if I’m just wishfully thinking. I love hard. I put my entirety into the person I love. and it is never good enough. But maybe I should stop. Stop pretending like everything is meant to be. Because it if was, maybe you wouldn’t have pushed me away. You clearly felt this wasn’t for you. maybe you were just sugar coating the real reason. who knows? only you do, deep down inside. All I know is that people who are in love don’t just up and leave all of a sudden. life is hard yeah. life will always be hard. but what happens when you’ve pushed away everyone who cares and loves you? You like to deal with your issues alone. It won’t work. My heart is my weakness and I feel like one day I will just drown in all the love I have created for you. the love that you no longer care to receive. maybe I’m just undeserving. maybe no one was ever meant to truly love me.
I stare amongst the fired eyes – the life within the space.
The life that I so crave.
The life I could create – but I don’t.
Instead, I just watch.
I watch as the trains pass and the rails keep going until they do not.
Just like your life goes on until it doesn’t anymore.
This is not to get confused with life in general – for that stops for no one.
But the life I lead will eventually give out and the grains of sand will finish the hourglass and I don’t think anyone will be so kind to turn it over for me. They will be too busy with their own.
I have found a need to love myself. To feel enough for the people I love. To not need the reassurance of love from them but to be able to find it within.
I stare amongst the fired eyes of others but where are my own? Where is the fire to ignite them? It is within. Buried beneath the insecurities that even I, myself, have suppressed. I look at myself as this confident lioness. But the truth is, I am a sheep. Not completely – a hybrid. A sheep morphing. But the only one that can complete the process is me. How will others love me completely if I do not even love myself? Who am I? Who are we? You are I. I am you.
There will always be someone beautiful. Someone funny. Someone that could potentially become the love of someone’s life. There is no such thing as being better than another. Rather, everyone has their own qualities that are just right for them and maybe if someone gets lucky, for that someone as well. Why waste time being insecure? If you are meant for someone. If that someone loves you. You will be the ONLY one perfect in their eyes. Let not an insecurity or fear of being alone keep you from the love you so deserve – from a love that deserves you.
There is no better love than the love you give yourself.
I feel the power of love pounding my chest to break through – the passion within wanting to ignite. I will let it ignite. Will you?
I stare amongst the fired eyes – the life within the space.