(a long post for those who care to read or those who care in general)
It’s tough. Feeling like a stranger in my own home. Feeling like I wear a mask everyday to shield the concentrated liquid swelling my eyes trying hard to seep through. But they don’t. Because I’m strong. Stronger than most think but weak when it matters. I’m so FUCKING tired of being expected to act a particular way for the people that think they know me but don’t. I mean, it’s not like I asked to be born. It’s not like I am trying to be everything they never wanted me to be. I just am. I’m smart, sure. Not as street smart as I wish. Not to be dramatic, but some days I feel like life would be so much easier for everyone if I just didn’t exist. Life would be so much easier for me – if I never existed. I mean what do I really even bring into people’s lives except for rejection? and heartbreak? and dissapointment? The people closest to me, the ones that are deserving of the world, are the ones that I consistently see in pain, whether it be financially, a broken family, a broken heart, mentally. And this is why I refrain from telling them how I feel. Because why burden them with my feelings about my life and make it all about me? I’ve NEVER wanted to be the center of the attention, you can ask my bestfriends. I hate talking about myself. one of my biggest weaknesses is writing those essays that ask “What about you makes you special?” or “What makes you better than others to be a candidate for [insert occupation here]” Nothing. Literally nothing. I just breath. And try to laugh when I can. I don’t know how I am so god damn positive about everything that goes wrong, but I am. But somedays – lately the past month – it’s been so hard. It’s hard to be positive when you feel alone. When you feel you can’t talk to anyone but your fucking computer because if you tell anyone how you feel you get responses like “stop making things about you” or “no one is sitting here worried about you. everyone has better things to do.” LOL. So i just waste my day away by sleeping. Or I use the gym to get away from home and sweat out what I don’t cry. Or I focus on my plans for school. People always wonder why I care so much about school. “Why? What makes school so special? Why do you work so much and never make time for yourself?” Because when I do, I have to face the reality that my life is fucking shit. and i’m fucking unhappy. Okay? “Oh but, you have all this money.” No my parents have the money. I don’t have jack shit. “Oh but you have opportunities that people wish they had. You get to go to Baylor (your dream school), you get a nice ass car. You get an apartment all to yourself.” Yeah. I do. But you know what I don’t get? I don’t get the love and affection that i want/NEED. MOney and all these materialistic things are important yeah – to an extent. But if I could just have aany vehicle that works for transportation, if i had a place to get an education even if its not top tier in anything + the ability of not feeling alone. I would choose that. People just don’t understand. They don’t get that materialistic things aren’t everything when you have no one to share them with. I’m not writing this so when people read (if they even read this far) can pity me. I hate fucking pity. I don’t want any of you to say “I’m so sorry” or “I wish things were different” because what good is that going to do? If you got this far. All I want is for you to say is “I’m here and I hear you” that’s it. No pity. Just listening. That’s all I’ve wanted. To just not feel alone. Not have to fucking voice record my thoughts on my memos and listen back to myself.
I just needed to write this all out because if I went another day with just thinking these things, I probably would have exploded.
The real point of this all was not to focus on the indiviual problems going on in my life but just kind of a way of saying that everyone has their own battles they are fighting through and despite the fact that the media portrays life as glamorous and beauitful. They are simple screenshots of good moments. And yes, great moments can happen in the day but sometimes the rest of the day is shit or the week is shit. But in a way that’s why I enjoy photgraphy and documenting life sometimes becasue it focuses on the good times rather than the bad. But the bad must be acknowleged eventually and that is why I give you posts like this one.
In short, I know things will get better but I will NOT change who I am, what I love or my passions for the sake of money or for the sake of being accepted into my family. Because then who would be accepted? It wouldn’t be me but a fabrication. Anyways, thanks for listening/reading if you got this far. Needless to say, my summer did not go at all how I thought it would go in my last post. But I’m alive. And i’m in love. and i have beauitful bestfriends. And i believe that things will get better for them. Therefore, I believe things will get better for myself. Within time.
Talk to you all soon.
P.S. I’m leaving for London on Wednesday for Study Abroad. Maybe I will feel better there. Will continue to update. Hope you all are having a better summer than i am ❤
it’s hard to believe that the end of my 2nd semester of college is approaching. I have studied about 4 hours straight reviewing for my Neuroscience final that is tomorrow (my last final)! I was in the mood to write earlier when I was studying but I forced myself to get through with reviewing all four units (14 chapters) before writing so now my urge to write has kind of depleted. I have to listen to myself more often! Anywho, this year of college has really tested my ability to be alone as well as my ability to balance my academics and my relationships (friendships, family, significant others). I felt so damn lonely for the longest time. It wasn’t until literally 2/3 weeks ago that I found someone very similar to me that kind of filled that void. I’m forever grateful for that. Also, I really improved in managing my time and studying. Depending on what I get on my final, I’ll most likely be looking at a 4.0 GPA as a Neuroscience major for this semester. Let me know if you guys want tips on studying, I’d be more than willing to dedicate a post to that. I’m just so damn ready to finally be able to make time for myself. I’m currently listening to Kusanagi by ODESZA. The sun is hitting the table that I’m sitting at in Starbucks/Moody Library so nicely. I’ll insert pics 😉 SO much is in store for this summer. The first two months (May & June) will consist of time for myself, working out, writing, spending time with the people that mean the world to me. July will be spent in Great Britain and Paris studying Behavioral Medicine and Clinical Psychology. August will consist of bringing my mind back and ready to take on my second year of college moving into my very first apartment. Excited to spruce it up to make it a real home w/ cute plants and all the simplicities of life that make it worthwhile. This just turned into an update post lol but whatever, it works. I’ve taken to Tumblr again which you guys can find me @notetolife as well. Tumblr is like twitter for me but so much more intimate. I would love to connect with you all there as well ❤ I’m currently working on loving myself more and really just coming to terms with who I am. Okay, so now Manastra // Summer Salt is playing. wow. i feel so happy. Anyways. I’m at the part in my life where I am still growing and figuring out what exactly I want in life and who I want to be in it. It’s a tough journey – life, But I know I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be now. Gonna let the light SHINE on me. That was unplanned but LMFAO, leave a comment if you know what that song references. If you don’t know, you haven’t lived. hehe. Anyways, I’ll wrap this up with a couple last words. I plan on writing way more like WAY more. On here. On Tumblr. I might try youtube again – covers and maybe even some originals that I have been working on. I plan on reading way more. My goal is to read about 5 books this summer. Future Police // The Irons. Okay, I’m going to go back to studying. Thanks for reading it all the way to here if you did :’)
to all of the important people in my life: thanks for being here for me. I am internally grateful for you even if I don’t say it much. Colourway // Novo Amor.
talk to you all soon.
it’s hard. to lose someone who two days ago was explaining how much you mean to them and “how did you ever live without me before we met” and then all of a sudden two days later they aren’t in your life. I will never know why life consistently throws curve balls at my heart as if it wasn’t already bruised enough from the past. You know how long it took me to heal those? about 2 years. when I met you. I have never felt such strong love. I have been in love, I’ll admit. But this? This was different. This was mature and healthy. No fights. Annoyances, of course, but despite disagreements, always knowing that at the end of it all it would be okay because we loved each other – like REALLY loved each other. best friends. lovers. what hurts the most is that there was no reason for the end. you are in love with me. you want to be with me. I’m in love with you. I want to be with you. So why aren’t we together? you know how “when you know, you know?” It’s cliche but it’s one of the truest cliche I’ve ever known. with you, i knew. I was surprised at myself how every guy out there, attractive ones and not, would pass me by but all my eyes fixated on was you. I was comfortable to be myself. I gave myself. I trusted that this was the real thing. A part of me believes that this is a mistake. That you will realize that you love me and this was just you not knowing how to handle your internal mentality right now. Another part of me wonders if I’m just wishfully thinking. I love hard. I put my entirety into the person I love. and it is never good enough. But maybe I should stop. Stop pretending like everything is meant to be. Because it if was, maybe you wouldn’t have pushed me away. You clearly felt this wasn’t for you. maybe you were just sugar coating the real reason. who knows? only you do, deep down inside. All I know is that people who are in love don’t just up and leave all of a sudden. life is hard yeah. life will always be hard. but what happens when you’ve pushed away everyone who cares and loves you? You like to deal with your issues alone. It won’t work. My heart is my weakness and I feel like one day I will just drown in all the love I have created for you. the love that you no longer care to receive. maybe I’m just undeserving. maybe no one was ever meant to truly love me.
I stare amongst the fired eyes – the life within the space.
The life that I so crave.
The life I could create – but I don’t.
Instead, I just watch.
I watch as the trains pass and the rails keep going until they do not.
Just like your life goes on until it doesn’t anymore.
This is not to get confused with life in general – for that stops for no one.
But the life I lead will eventually give out and the grains of sand will finish the hourglass and I don’t think anyone will be so kind to turn it over for me. They will be too busy with their own.
I have found a need to love myself. To feel enough for the people I love. To not need the reassurance of love from them but to be able to find it within.
I stare amongst the fired eyes of others but where are my own? Where is the fire to ignite them? It is within. Buried beneath the insecurities that even I, myself, have suppressed. I look at myself as this confident lioness. But the truth is, I am a sheep. Not completely – a hybrid. A sheep morphing. But the only one that can complete the process is me. How will others love me completely if I do not even love myself? Who am I? Who are we? You are I. I am you.
There will always be someone beautiful. Someone funny. Someone that could potentially become the love of someone’s life. There is no such thing as being better than another. Rather, everyone has their own qualities that are just right for them and maybe if someone gets lucky, for that someone as well. Why waste time being insecure? If you are meant for someone. If that someone loves you. You will be the ONLY one perfect in their eyes. Let not an insecurity or fear of being alone keep you from the love you so deserve – from a love that deserves you.
There is no better love than the love you give yourself.
I feel the power of love pounding my chest to break through – the passion within wanting to ignite. I will let it ignite. Will you?
I stare amongst the fired eyes – the life within the space.
The space is the mirror.
The eyes are my own.
I no longer watch.
It’s so hard to find the words that you want to express. Especially when you are nervous that the wrong person might stumble across your writing. But the truth is, I made this for me. Not any one else. I shouldn’t be so confident in thinking others even take the time to read these. Which is okay. I only want people here that want to be here if that makes sense. ANyways, for the past few days, I have been in my head. And I can’t seem to find my way out. Am I happy? Am I sad? Am I even anything at all? I find myself on social media wondering what the point is. It’s so toxic – always worried about what someone is doing with their life, how happy a relationship is, strangers showing off their body transformations for retweets instead of them just being happy within themselves and not needing some form of validation. I’m sure this makes me sound cynical and apathetic but I’m tired of holding my thoughts back because of the need to be “politically correct”. This is my life damn it. It’s my mind. I have a right to feel how I feel whether people agree with it or not. I’m just so damn tired. Of not feeling good enough for anyone. I feel people around me slipping away slowly but surely. I feel so alone. And a part of me wants that. But the rational side of me knows that I need people and knows that the reason I want to be alone is that I am afraid of losing the people I love, and I am scared of having to face this life all on my own. My best friends are off living their lives – making new friends, partying, having sex. My parents busy with work. My boyfriend having fun with his life without me. And that’s the thing. No one needs me like I need them and it’s something I am not used to. I’ve always been the one everyone needed. For advice. For love. To overcast the negativity in their lives. And they are all doing just fine without me. They don’t need me to be in their lives. It wouldn’t affect them if I was not in it. I am not saying this in a suicide way, I just mean in general. It’s easy to feel like a burden. I hate needing validation so much but I just want to feel needed and appreciated. And I lack that in every aspect of my life. I am unhappy with life. And I am just now acknowledging it. Wow. Me. Being unhappy. What a concept. I just needed to get this out. And maybe whoever cares will read this. If you have gotten all the way to here, Hi. Do you ever feel this way too? Maybe one day I will be content again. But I have a lot of work to do.
I’ll be writing more now. This is really about to be the closest thing to me your ever going to get. So if you care to listen to me rant about my life and the deepest aspects of my life as I experience them, then stick around. If not, thanks for being here for the amount of time you were.
This music tag is coming to an end and I am kind of bummed tbh. This has been a really good mental exercise for me – more than I thought it would be at least. Having to take a topic and then figure out what song I thought related to it. I realized when I began this music challenge that there aren’t even 30 days in February, so I figured I would include 3 songs in this one. Like a mega-tag post. So keep reading to hear day 28, 29, and 30’s song.
Day 28: “ An old song that you still listen to frequently”
I feel like I still listen to a lot of old Blink 182, Nirvana and basically older punk/rock bands. So I figured I would highlight a Nirvana song because last Tuesday was Kurt Cobain’s birthday RIP. He would be 51. That’s crazy as hell.
Day 29: “A song from your childhood”
I feel like day 28 is kind of similar. But anyways, I’ll highlight a major bop from my childhood that I have always loved.
Day 30: “Your favorite song at this time last year”
I just checked my TimeHop to see if I had posted a song on twitter this time last year because that is basically the main way I utilize Twitter. And of course, I did. I love that my favorite songs are typically songs from before or early in my time. Old music never dies.
I’m lowkey sad that this music tag is over. But let me know if you guys enjoyed this. I will continue to do song/artist recommendations occasionally though. But I am extremely excited to start posting more on my therapeutic conversations/lifestyle tab – hopefully more consistently 🙂
“A song you associate with a book”
Unfortunately, I haven’t had much time to do outside reading this semester, so I figured I would do this post based off of my favorite book: Perspective by Robert J. Wicks. It’s this psychology-based book that takes you through different perspectives in order to realize at the end that there is always a calm within the storm. In other words, there are always positives within the negatives of life and it is up to you to channel a particular perspective in order to achieve the ability to acknowledge that positive.
Anyways, this song reminds me of that concept.
Hope you enjoy 🙂
ps : don’t forget if the video doesn’t play on WordPress reader, click to my website and it will play there!
“A song you associate with a movie”
In case none of you know, my favorite movie is Jennifer’s Body. Not only do I love movies with a strong female lead that EATS human flesh – mostly guys – for dinner, but I love good movies with GREAT soundtracks. This one happens to be one of those movies. I can literally hear a song from the movie and know exactly what scene it played during. I wish I could mention the entire soundtrack but I have to choose one song Therefore, here it is. If you like the vibe of it, please please please check out the entire soundtrack.
In previous posts, I have already mentioned Ready for the Floor by Lissy Trullie and Violet by Hole. So, today this post focuses on Kiss with a Fist by Florence + The Machine
hope it stimulates your ears;) also the relationship this song talks about sounds so healthy!!!
“A song that will get you to smile”
Bill Withers. What a guy. This one is definitely one that I can’t help but smile to. I listen to it and it just makes me feel unbelievably grateful for everything in my life – the good and the bad.
If you have never heard this song, please check it out…it just might put a smile on your face too :’)
dust in the wind – kansas
“A song that you want to play at your funeral”
This one is a bit morbid. I think about death all the time and it’s one of the things most guaranteed as I am sure you all know. Therefore, this is the song I think would best suit my funeral.
such a sad but beautiful song.