Pain Inflictions

If there is some consistency in my life, it’s feeding myself pain. Last night I read The Great Gatsby for my English class and I believe it was chapter 8 or 9 that hit me the most. It made me really think about what me and this one guy used to share. Here’s the quote that really got me: “I can’t describe to you how surprised I was to find out I loved her, old sport. I even hoped for a while that she’d throw me over, but she didn’t, because she was in love with me too” – Jay Gatsby. It doesn’t sound as deep today though lol probably because what I found out today about him.  But ANYWAYS!! Back to the main topic, I always seem to bring forth pain upon myself, does that even sound like engrish? HAHAH anyhow, I guess just inflicting pain on myself (METAPHORICALLY, PLEASE DON’T EVER INFLICT PAIN ON YOURSELF PHYSICALLY, YOU ARE STRONG) just makes it more bearable because then I have more shitty things to think about as opposed to one. I always keep myself busy because it takes time away from actually having to pay attention to my feelings. After today and what I found out, I honestly don’t even think I will ever feel again. Not because I don’t want to, but I don’t think I have it in me to actually feel emotions towards another. I constantly try to move on with other guys but its just not the same. I suppose it never will be. Okay you guys, we literally stopped talking 2 weeks ago (we were together off and on for 4-5 years) and today a friend of mine told me he was “fucking” other females. Oh btw, my language may be little vulgar so if you take offense to it, then I suggest you not read my blogs 🙂 Anywho, omg back to the quote from Great Gastby, I was super in my feelings yesterday, I literally sat there and started tearing up and I was going to text him too, but I was like no I shouldn’t because I will probably regret it. Also when i heard that secret from my friend today I was literally PISSED and going to text him and go off on him but then I asked my self why? Why are you mad. I can’t sit here expecting him to be faithful when we aren’t even together. And don’t get the wrong idea, he isn’t an asshole, he didn’t cheat, he’s not a man whore. In fact he’s probably the closest thing to what I want in a man/husband. I asked my friend who this mystery girl is and he said it was none of my business and I’m like obviously it is cuz you just told me, so then this friend of mine was like “I don’t know who” and i honestly don’t believe it was even true but for some reason my mind and heart is attempting to believe it just so it hurts me and causes me to somewhat have negative feelings for him and thus move on more efficiently, which brings me back to my topic about feeding myself pain. I’d rather be super hurt if it means that I will move on faster. I know it’s not healthy. Nothing involving my thoughts and feelings involving him is healthy AT ALL. But i guess this is just how I cope. Just like he copes by completely shutting me out of his life and attempting to find me in someone else. How do you guys cope with  situations? (family, bf/gf/, husband/wife, school ). If I’ve learned anything, it’s to NEVERRRR allow yourself to feel you are not worthy. Just because you’re days may not be great doesn’t mean there isn’t great ones to come. Any situation you go through isn’t a set back and it doesn’t define you as a person. These situations are just stepping stones into becoming more self-actualized. Don’t ever give up!

~An Ordinary

P.s. Need advice? Want to vent and want someone to understand or listen to you without judgement? Visit my contact tab and ask/vent away! (let me know if what you say is personal or if you are okay with me posting it on my advice weekly page)

Have a great rest of your days lovelies<3

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