only read this if you care

It’s so hard to find the words that you want to express. Especially when you are nervous that the wrong person might stumble across your writing. But the truth is, I made this for me. Not any one else. I shouldn’t be so confident in thinking others even take the time to read these. Which is okay. I only want people here that want to be here if that makes sense. ANyways, for the past few days, I have been in my head. And I can’t seem to find my way out. Am I happy? Am I sad? Am I even anything at all? I find myself on social media wondering what the point is. It’s so toxic – always worried about what someone is doing with their life, how happy a relationship is, strangers showing off their body transformations for retweets instead of them just being happy within themselves and not needing some form of validation. I’m sure this makes me sound cynical and apathetic but I’m tired of holding my thoughts back because of the need to be “politically correct”. This is my life damn it. It’s my mind. I have a right to feel how I feel whether people agree with it or not. I’m just so damn tired. Of not feeling good enough for anyone. I feel people around me slipping away slowly but surely. I feel so alone. And a part of me wants that. But the rational side of me knows that I need people and knows that the reason I want to be alone is that I am afraid of losing the people I love, and I am scared of having to face this life all on my own. My best friends are off living their lives – making new friends, partying, having sex. My parents busy with work. My boyfriend having fun with his life without me.  And that’s the thing. No one needs me like I need them and it’s something I am not used to. I’ve always been the one everyone needed. For advice. For love. To overcast the negativity in their lives. And they are all doing just fine without me. They don’t need me to be in their lives. It wouldn’t affect them if I was not in it. I am not saying this in a suicide way, I just mean in general. It’s easy to feel like a burden. I hate needing validation so much but I just want to feel needed and appreciated. And I lack that in every aspect of my life. I am unhappy with life. And I am just now acknowledging it. Wow. Me. Being unhappy. What a concept. I just needed to get this out. And maybe whoever cares will read this. If you have gotten all the way to here, Hi. Do you ever feel this way too? Maybe one day I will be content again. But I have a lot of work to do.

I’ll be writing more now. This is really about to be the closest thing to me your ever going to get. So if you care to listen to me rant about my life and the deepest aspects of my life as I experience them, then stick around. If not, thanks for being here for the amount of time you were.

m

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