i want to be hopelessly in love. I want the love that makes you feel like you can’t breathe. You ever just listen to music and wish you had wrote it to claim for your own? That’s how I feel about Ex:Re by Ex:Re. Please listen to this album. This album makes me feel so fucking much. Okay I digress. The point of this post is so much more than I can even put into words. I have been meaning to write A LOT lately. But, I never write when I get the urge. Instead, I’m just kind of like “I’ll write tonight when I have the time” but then that urge just goes away and when I finally sit at the computer nothing comes out.
Anyways, the point of this post is that here I am. Finally giving in to the urge to write. Listening to this beautiful ass album wishing and craving to be in love. And for it to be fully reciprocated. I just want to feel. And have those experiences. I do feel…a lot. These past 8 months have been sooo fucking transformative. I finally feel like myself again. I have found my passion for dance again. I have been able to fully dedicate myself to the gym. I have been taking so many sporadic and spontaneous leaps to fully experience life as much as I possibly can given the circumstances in the world right now.
This might turn into a bunch of random shit so bear with me because I have some stuff to say.
Its crazy. How quickly people can evolve, change, grow in such a short span of time. But what even is time? Its a man-made concept made to help us process the meaning of light and dark. But its all the same. Its just change. And change is fucking scary sometimes. Especially when it comes to the people you love. Because you can either grow together or grow apart — and usually its apart. And thats what scares me. To love again. But also my heart is so fucking receptive to feelings and to never wondering what if. So at this point I just kind of live in the moment and let love come to me. Im not like those kinds of people who are afraid to love because of the past. I never hold my past against anyone. Everyone starts with a clean slate with me. But as soon as something is not going smoothly, I get all into my head about it. And me? Overthinking? It isn’t pretty. But someone recently told me that overthinking is a conscious decision just like not overthinking is also. So I’m just kind of taking everyday as it comes.
I love to fucking feel. To feel all the feelings. To fuck. To make love. To be in the arms of someone I really care about. I love to preach about how I’m this independent ass bitch who does not need a man. But I find myself every night wishing I was in the arms of someone I really care about. LOL fuck am I in love? Nahhhhh. But I could be falling in love. And that shit so invigorating and scary and exciting. But not if its one sided. Fuck this album is so good. And now this post is all over the place.
I’m happy for those in my past. I know we are all in very different parts of our lives. Have found something new – whatever or whoever that may be. But there are never any ill feelings. I don’t fuck with people who are like “fuck my ex!! I never loved them” Like please. HOw could you talk shit about someone who used to be everyting to you?? Anyways, thats not the point. If any of you ever see this, I just want you to be happy. And I see that you are. For the most part. And that makes me happy.
Am I happy? I would like to think I am. I have been feeling ALOT lately. Good things? Yes. Shitty things? Sometimes. But we are all human. Its impossible to always feel amazing all the time. All we can really do is continue to live another day and appreciate each as they come.
Im gonna stop cuz my thoughts are truly all over the place HAHAH okie.
I will be in touch.