It’s frustrating as fuck to be able to feel so much so quickly. But I had a conversation today with someone who has experienced far more life than me and therefore is far more wise in what it means to deal with the predisposed association and connection that women have with their emotional side. Why is it that we tend to feel more emotional attachment to people and feel more pain than men? Like is it seriously in our biology or is it a social construct? Like toxic masculinity? She said that we, as women, have the ability to unlearn aspects of ourselves. We have the ability to detach. We have the ability to never get attached in the first place. We have the ability to decipher whether we want something serious/emotional/intimate or whether we simply want to use our body as a tool with no emotions having to ever be created and attached onto the act of physical touch. I never really thought of it this way. I know that I feel a lot quickly and that it is hard to share parts of myself with people without catching feelings or automatically wanting to dive into something serious. But then I think back to earlier this year when I was truly exploring what being “single” meant to me. And I had that. I was able to form relationships with people with the understanding that it would never be anything serious. This was seen as super unconventional to me initially. Not by society, but moreso in my life. But with that mindset I was able to keep those friendships even though nothing serious came of them. I am content with those friendships and experiences that I shared. So then I ask myself today, why the hell are you allowing yourself to feel so much for something out of your control and something that is not going to happen? LMAOO today another friend told me “Never simp.” And honestly he right. Because what the fuck? I am a bad bitch. I have too many moves to make out here with the position I am in than to be constantly thinking/obsessing/simping over someone that just simply does not want me. Someone who literally probably is not even thinking of me at all. Like, mo. That’s some small dick energy. I am so young. I have so much life ahead of me. Why am I so obsessed with the thought of love and commitment? I always tell myself “Oh, if this does not work out, then I am solely going to focus on myself” and as soon as I make a connection with someone I’m like “nvm.” But here is what the fuck is up, mo. Don’t fucking allow yourself to make a connection! Simply don’t. Simply don’t welcome that into your life. I am so tired of feeling unappreciated. Of feeeling like I am the only one willing to go the extra mile to make something work. dude. Fuck that. I need to be going the extra mile for myself and myself only. And starting now, that is exactly what I am going to do. My heart is now shut. I am no longer open to the possbiility of meeting someone and finding love. I am only open to the possibility of continuing to be ambitious, make money, stay fit and healthy, and be content as an independent individual. Someone would REALLY have to prove themselves if they wanted to ever become something serious with me. Fuck commitment. Fuck caring about things that will never change. As far as I am concerned, no one is worthy of experiencing what I have to offer when I truly give my all to someone. Nah man. That energy is simply reserved for me.


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