I haven’t written in what seems like forever and it is so unhealthy. I don’t even know how to write anymore – what to say, what to think, what to do to understand why I feel the way that i do. I just do. I feel happy sad. I have moments where I choose to experience the happy and other days where I choose to let the sadness consume me. And then there are days, like today, where I can’t choose and I just feel how I do. It is so frustrating. Because, what do I have going on in my life that I could possibly be sad about? Nothing. I never force a smile on my face, though. People always tell me that I look sad all the time. I am not always sad but I also don’t and will not ever pretend to be happy. That’s weak shit. One of the things that I live by is to always embrace the negative feelings you experience because it is truly the only way you can grow from it. Eventually, you become immune to the pain and it doesn’t hurt as much – but it never goes away. I just wish i lived near the people who understand me the most. I live near two. And it means the world. But to live near the other three would make life less shitty and less lonely. I am so lonely. And I have always struggled with loneliness. I love my solitude, don’t get me wrong. But there is a fine line between solitude and loneliness and half the time i cross over into the lonely threshold and it fucking suffocates me. I do it to myself sometimes. I push away the people that love me and I seclude myself from the world and I just sit alone in my apartment basking in it all – the loneliness, the sadness, the overwhelming feeling that I will never get to the place in my life where I am in my peak of happiness. Because no matter how many things go right in my life, something always has to happen that counters it and exceeds the happiness and then there i am again. stuck. it never ends. it is literal hell. The people that I love experience worse than me. I do acknowledge that and I don’t mean to say that I have it worse in the world because I know that I am so lucky in so many respects. But it doesn’t make my feelings less valid.
at the end of the day, I am proud of the person that I have become. I am wise. I manage my emotions well. I always find the calm within the storm and despite my own kind of suffering, I suffer through in order to help others suffer through. And that is my purpose in this life. And i will never stop fighting and I hope one day someone will see this in me and want that for themselves too. Life is never going to be perfect and there are always going to be setbacks, but know you are not alone and that with time, pain will subside and you too will suffer through.