a free thought

I stare amongst the fired eyes – the life within the space.

The life that I so crave.

The life I could create – but I don’t.

Instead, I just watch.

I watch as the trains pass and the rails keep going until they do not.

Just like your life goes on until it doesn’t anymore.

This is not to get confused with life in general – for that stops for no one.

But the life I lead will eventually give out and the grains of sand will finish the hourglass and I don’t think anyone will be so kind to turn it over for me. They will be too busy with their own.

I have found a need to love myself. To feel enough for the people I love. To not need the reassurance of love from them but to be able to find it within.

I stare amongst the fired eyes of others but where are my own? Where is the fire to ignite them? It is within. Buried beneath the insecurities that even I,  myself, have suppressed. I look at myself as this confident lioness. But the truth is, I am a sheep. Not completely – a hybrid. A sheep morphing. But the only one that can complete the process is me. How will others love me completely if I do not even love myself? Who am I? Who are we? You are I. I am you.

There will always be someone beautiful. Someone funny. Someone that could potentially become the love of someone’s life. There is no such thing as being better than another. Rather, everyone has their own qualities that are just right for them and maybe if someone gets lucky, for that someone as well. Why waste time being insecure? If you are meant for someone. If that someone loves you. You will be the ONLY one perfect in their eyes. Let not an insecurity or fear of being alone keep you from the love you so deserve – from a love that deserves you.

There is no better love than the love you give yourself.

I feel the power of love pounding my chest to break through  – the passion within wanting to ignite. I will let it ignite. Will you?

I stare amongst the fired eyes – the life within the space.

The space is the mirror.

The eyes are my own.

I no longer watch.

They do.

only read this if you care

It’s so hard to find the words that you want to express. Especially when you are nervous that the wrong person might stumble across your writing. But the truth is, I made this for me. Not any one else. I shouldn’t be so confident in thinking others even take the time to read these. Which is okay. I only want people here that want to be here if that makes sense. ANyways, for the past few days, I have been in my head. And I can’t seem to find my way out. Am I happy? Am I sad? Am I even anything at all? I find myself on social media wondering what the point is. It’s so toxic – always worried about what someone is doing with their life, how happy a relationship is, strangers showing off their body transformations for retweets instead of them just being happy within themselves and not needing some form of validation. I’m sure this makes me sound cynical and apathetic but I’m tired of holding my thoughts back because of the need to be “politically correct”. This is my life damn it. It’s my mind. I have a right to feel how I feel whether people agree with it or not. I’m just so damn tired. Of not feeling good enough for anyone. I feel people around me slipping away slowly but surely. I feel so alone. And a part of me wants that. But the rational side of me knows that I need people and knows that the reason I want to be alone is that I am afraid of losing the people I love, and I am scared of having to face this life all on my own. My best friends are off living their lives – making new friends, partying, having sex. My parents busy with work. My boyfriend having fun with his life without me.  And that’s the thing. No one needs me like I need them and it’s something I am not used to. I’ve always been the one everyone needed. For advice. For love. To overcast the negativity in their lives. And they are all doing just fine without me. They don’t need me to be in their lives. It wouldn’t affect them if I was not in it. I am not saying this in a suicide way, I just mean in general. It’s easy to feel like a burden. I hate needing validation so much but I just want to feel needed and appreciated. And I lack that in every aspect of my life. I am unhappy with life. And I am just now acknowledging it. Wow. Me. Being unhappy. What a concept. I just needed to get this out. And maybe whoever cares will read this. If you have gotten all the way to here, Hi. Do you ever feel this way too? Maybe one day I will be content again. But I have a lot of work to do.

I’ll be writing more now. This is really about to be the closest thing to me your ever going to get. So if you care to listen to me rant about my life and the deepest aspects of my life as I experience them, then stick around. If not, thanks for being here for the amount of time you were.

m

New Year, New Approach

Happy New Year to all of you out there in the blogosphere! While the New Year is great for pushing people to set new resolutions and goals, I have never really been one to be like “Oh it is a New Year so I am going to workout and do this and that” because let’s be real who really ever sticks through those for the entire year? If you do, then I salute you, because I normally never make it to two months.  This year I am trying a different approach. For this year I have sat long and hard and asked myself, “In what ways would I like to see myself improve this year?” I then took those aspirations and figured out ways to incorporate some type of daily habit that would allow me to target those aspects of myself that need some refining. For example, this year I want to be more at channel with myself and my thoughts because last year I really let the things going on around me distract me from well, me. In order to incorporate this aspiration into my daily life, I have opted to do some form of meditation or writing every day. This really gives me a time to just focus on myself because let’s face it, if we take the time out of our busy lives to eat and use the restroom and call our family and friends, then we can set aside time for ourselves (especially because nothing is more important than you!) There is this whole misconception that if you think that way that you are selfish or that you are full of yourself, but sometimes you have to be when it comes to being TRULY happy. Never let yourself be distracted by the needs of others that you forget to put yourself first. I hope this approach works out for me. I’ll most likely do another post about my “daily habits” later on in the month. But until then…

Good luck to all of you in all of your endeavors for the new year…you can do it 🙂

Mo

Carpe Diem

I am madly in love. And its bizarre because a year ago today, I would have never thought that it was possible to love again. This exact reason is why I am afraid. I am afraid of the unknown. The unknown is ahead of all of us. My life was completely different last year. I was single. I was in high school. I was excited and getting to know others that would be attending the same college as I in the fall. Now I sit here. In a 9 month relationship with someone I had not even met last year. Preparing to spend New Years Eve with him and his family. All this can’t help but make me wonder; where will I be next year? Will I still be in this amazing relationship? Will I have made long-lasting friendships? Will I be happy? Will I even be alive? I guess there is nothing much I can really do but choose to live in the present and approach every life opportunity as it comes. In the past, I have always had a problem with overthinking things and worrying about the future that I never was able to fully appreciate the moments that were right in front of me. In this past year, however, I have improved in that aspect of my life, as well as others. I know the value that I have to offer to the world and those in it and this is the reason why I am so picky with the people I choose to have around me. It is sad to say but there are so many selfish individuals out there that do not care about anyone but themselves. Their negative energy brings you down. They don’t contribute anything positive to your life. Get rid of them. Only surround yourself with those who add substance to your life. Only do things that make you happy and that you are passionate about. Yes, life is going to bring you stress, heartbreak, financial crisis, but it is also going to bring you love, family, friendship, passion and moments that you will remember when you’re old and grey.  If there is anything important to leave you with from this post, it is to grab every ounce of life that is present with you today and bask in it. Life is too short to be afraid of what is to come. Carpe Diem. Seize the day. In the end, you’ll be glad you did.

Mo

Just a little update

College life is draining man. But hi, I am back and for good. It was super exhausting just getting used to college life and my schedule that I chose to take off from YouTube and from my blog to just get a feel for how life was going to be away from home and in a completely different environment than what I am used to. But, now that I have done that, I can finally incorporate what I love back into my schedule. With that being said, my blog posts will begin to upload on a regular basis and I am excited for what this blog has in store. It’s funny because I act like everything is planned out for this but in reality, it’s not. I post based off my mood which is why I have realized that posting a particular and set thing every day will never work. Unless maybe I do some sort of challenge for the month and with that, I would accomplish it because challenges are my absolute favorite.

Anywho, I am back and I am determined to remain consistent not because of anything but the mere fact that acknowledging my thoughts and being able to just write out how I feel always leaves me feeling more at terms with myself and the world around me.

Can’t wait to begin again —

Mo

A Note on Relationships: (#1: Do I Care Too Much?)

Relationships aren’t something new to me. and by that, I don’t mean I have been with tons of guys, just that I have had quite a share of lessons learned throughout my experiences.  Despite who I am with, I seem to continue to fall back into the same pattern. Although not evident at first, I begin to notice it as feelings progress within me. It is as if once I have decided “okay I am feeling feelings of love,” I just dive heart first into whatever it is and want to do everything in my ability to maintain a healthy, fun loving relationship. When I say “everything,” I do not mean irrational things. I simply mean that I do everything in my power that is healthy for the both of us to maintain a sense of happiness within the relationship.

I wouldn’t say that I am an amazing person to be in a relationship with and that I don’t have my days because believe me, I do. Relationships are never easy, clearly. But I do know that I give my all in every relationship. I understand the importance of communication when one of us aren’t happy with something one of us did. This doesn’t have to be anything as serious as infidelity. It can be things like “hey, I don’t really appreciate when I try to explain how I am feeling and you just try to change the subject to get my mind off of it.” It is little things like this that although are minuscule, can end up becoming bigger as the relationship progresses.

That brings me to my topic for this post: “Caring Too Much In a Relationship.” Lately, I have been feeling as if I care too much, and my eagerness to make sure that this person in my life is always happy causes me to overthink things like when he is sleepy and wants to go to bed, and mistake it for me having done something wrong to cause him to want to call it a night earlier than usual. Most of the time I am right when I feel he is upset, but I always feel like feelings of unhappiness or any other negative feelings should be addressed before the end of the day. That is just how I have always been. I begin to feel like I am just being selfish when I want to make things better and maybe he doesn’t want to discuss how he is feeling or does not feel like opening up at the moment. When I begin to feel like this, I automatically revert to telling myself things like “you care too much, you need to stop texting him, maybe if you ignore him you’ll lose some feelings.” Clearly, this is not the best thing to do and feelings aren’t something that you can control at your leisure.

The truth is, people cope with negative feelings in different ways, and we can’t exactly always be there for someone when we want to be. We just have to make sure to be there when they need us. Saying someone cares too much is like saying someone loves too much or like saying someone is too passionate about something they love. Instead, we should be asking ourselves, “Do  I care enough?.” “Do I do what I can to make sure that the person I am with is receiving the reassurance, passion, love, and consolidation that they need from me and for our relationship to prosper?” Until we start evaluating how well we are doing within the relationship, rather than looking over to see what our significant other is not up to par with, our relationships will not be able to thrive the way that they have the potential to.

Like mentioned earlier in this post, communication is key. Talk about your past, your fears, your dreams. Talk about when you are upset or when you are happy. Be there for each other. Never make the mistake like I have where you feel like you are caring too much or that you need to “stop your feelings from being too strong.” Embrace everything as it comes, the good and the bad. At least then you will know if the relationship does not work out, that you gave unequivocal proof of your all and dove heart first into the happy-sad, passionate and intense feeling we all identify as “love.”

Mo, an ordinary

P.S. let me know if you enjoy these kinds of posts and comment what topic you would like for me to cover next 

A ChitChat

I have been slacking and I am just now realizing that I haven’t really indulged in all the past times that I typically do and I haven’t really had any “me” time. I guess that is how it is when we are so busy doing all our day-to-day life activities that we never really take time to just stop and say “hey, I am going to take some time for myself and do something that I genuinely want and enjoy doing. Something that I am not just obligated to do as an everyday necessity.” That’s the first problem I encounter when I am busy. Another problem is when I have SO much free time that I don’t know where to begin so I just sit there and think about what I should do and before I know it, the day is over and I accomplished nothing. If there is one thing that you should all know about me, it is that I am obsessed with the thought of being productive. Notice that I said the “thought of” and not the “task of” because let’s be real, when you are given time off from your typical circadian rhythm or what I call “adulting,” it sounds soo amazing to just sit on the couch and Netflix and chill as the youngins say. I say youngins but I fit into that category lol. Despite this, if I am not productive, I get an enormous headache for the rest of the day. But of course, what would life be without an obstacle? So there is the dilemma. I have to be productive or I will get a headache, but I need some damn me time. So how the hell do I balance this out with a compromise? I decided to create a schedule for myself. Keep in mind it is the summer before my first year in college, which I will write about in another post and I do not work so I have ALOT of time on my hands. My schedule will be as follows:

Wake up at 8 AM everyday. Make breakfast. Workout. Shower. Then take time to have some me time. Whether that be reading a book, playing piano, singing karaoke, writing music, etc. Then I will have my scheduled “productive” part of the day which will either be younowing, blogging (which honestly is therapeutic to me so that can be considered part of my me time) and planning out my upcoming youtube videos, filming & editing.

I feel with this schedule, I will be able to balance my day with things I could honestly use more time doing as kind of a stress reliever for me and things that are necessary for me to complete in order to maintain my youtube channel and maintain a “productive day.” Everyone’s idea of productivity is different. This is just mine.

In what ways are you productive when you aren’t working/in school? I would love to know. 🙂

until next time…

An Ordinary

Where Have I Been?

I was looking back on my old blog posts and couldn’t help but laugh at the fact that everyone of my posts happened after a two to three week period of me not posting anything on my blog. Normally people always say “Oh, Senior year is the easiest and it is okay to slack off because it is your last year,” but honestly, I put 110% into everything I do so surprisingly enough, my grades this semester, the last semester of my high school career, are the best they have ever been. And due to the fact that the past 4 months I have been giving my all into all my school work and prepping for AP Exams, I have really not had any time to blog. But I am officially back, no seriously. Lol. I’m literally about to do a post about a mentorship experience I had with a photographer this semester, so stay tuned.

I’m excited to be back.

What have you all been up to?

~An Ordinary

Your GPA Does Not Define You

persevere

I apologize for my absence this past week. Despite feeling, for the most part, happy all of last week, I’m not sure I was all there mentally to be able to actually sit down and write. But, I am back!

It is the last and final semester of my senior year and I have always been one to keep up with my grades and make sure that I am maintaining A’s and the best GPA possible. But lately,  I have felt so laid back about school. It isn’t that I don’t care about my grades, I just choose not to let them define me as a whole. I used to constantly stress about grades and honestly, I just wasn’t that happy with how my life was going. I always believed that the key to success was having the best grades and scoring 100s on tests. Junior year, when I began taking AP classes, a fact was thrown in my face: I can’t always get 100s on all my tests. Certain subjects will be difficult for me to grasp,this was AP US History last year, and that is okay! What matters is that you accept your grade, try to learn what you did wrong, and try not to make the same mistakes that you did in the past. I winced at the idea of having to go to tutorials (time after school to get help) because I thought it was embarrassing that I was struggling when I had never had problems with any classes before that year. I realized after I began going to tutorials that I got better when I actually acknowledged that I was struggling with the class and went to lengths to improve in my weaknesses. And you know what? I ended up scoring a 4 on the AP test (the best score being a 5).

Despite the struggle, last year really taught me that it is not those who have a gift to succeed who actually succeed in life but the people who take advantage of the resources they have and use them to persevere and continue to push themselves even when they are down. A lot of individuals who are successful had to work their way up. And this is what I plan to do. Continue to persevere and do my very best to be my very best. Your GPA does not define you as a person. Your character, your willingness to push yourself despite the trials and tribulations, and your passion is what will fuel your success. Keep pushing forward.

An Ordinary

From One Soul to Another

So I just found out another one of my poems is going to be published and I realized that I hadn’t read it since I first submitted it. I decided to take a read again and I was honestly just filled with so much emotion and my heart is currently beating so fast. It is such a powerful thing to take the love you have for someone and express it into words: all the pain,  all the lines of your veins carrying the blood that fueled the passion in your heart for another. I would love to share this poem with you all. It is me and myself to the rawest core.

You are the flame that burns with passion the love that I’ve lost in your cigarette. The love that was taken from me when I thought I didn’t even have it to begin with.

My heart is unmended, a part of a whole that is somewhere in a place no longer there.

Is it possible for a ghost to take your hand and make you feel warm despite the cold they bestow upon others? We form a reaction that cannot be explained with scientific words but simply  by the word “Soulmate.”

You breathe into me the air my lungs lack when I am screaming and yelling “Leave! Go! I don’t want you here…don’t leave me like this…I never told you to go.”

Why are you still tapping my shoulder as you pass in front of me? You move so fast. I can’t even remember whether you were even here to begin with or if it was just a figment of my imagination.

What is love when it is drained from my body onto yours like plaster on top of porcelain? Art. You could never appreciate art as it was. You had to brush your palms against it. You picked it up from the gallery and recklessly tossed it and let it fall to pieces as you continued your walk to the next gallery. You should have just passed by.

What a beautiful mess you’ve created.

Sorry guys, I didn’t mean to get in my feelings lol. But seriously, art in every form is beautiful whether that be music, painting, drawing, writing, etc. The passion you set forth into the world is an amazing creation and one to be proud of. Hope this inspires you to keep pushing forward through whatever obstacles, and although life may not end up the way you wanted it to, whether it be in a relationship, career choice or everything in between, you CAN and WILL get past it. The pain or feelings may not ever truly fade, but the inevitable is that the light will come again.

If the hurt comes, so will the happiness” 

~An Ordinary