suffer through

I haven’t written in what seems like forever and it is so unhealthy. I don’t even know how to write anymore – what to say, what to think, what to do to understand why I feel the way that i do. I just do. I feel happy sad. I have moments where I choose to experience the happy and other days where I choose to let the sadness consume me. And then there are days, like today, where I can’t choose and I just feel how I do. It is so frustrating. Because, what do I have going on in my life that I could possibly be sad about? Nothing. I never force a smile on my face, though. People always tell me that I look sad all the time. I am not always sad but I also don’t and will not ever pretend to be happy. That’s weak shit. One of the things that I live by is to always embrace the negative feelings you experience because it is truly the only way you can grow from it. Eventually, you become immune to the pain and it doesn’t hurt as much – but it never goes away. I just wish i lived near the people who understand me the most. I live near two. And it means the world. But to live near the other three would make life less shitty and less lonely. I am so lonely. And I have always struggled with loneliness. I love my solitude, don’t get me wrong. But there is a fine line between solitude and loneliness and half the time i cross over into the lonely threshold and it fucking suffocates me. I do it to myself sometimes. I push away the people that love me and I seclude myself from the world and I just sit alone in my apartment basking in it all – the loneliness, the sadness, the overwhelming feeling that I will never get to the place in my life where I am in my peak of happiness. Because no matter how many things go right in my life, something always has to happen that counters it and exceeds the happiness and then there i am again. stuck. it never ends. it is literal hell. The people that I love experience worse than me. I do acknowledge that and I don’t mean to say that I have it worse in the world because I know that I am so lucky in so many respects. But it doesn’t make my feelings less valid.

at the end of the day, I am proud of the person that I have become. I am wise. I manage my emotions well. I always find the calm within the storm and despite my own kind of suffering, I suffer through in order to help others suffer through. And that is my purpose in this life. And i will never stop fighting and I hope one day someone will see this in me and want that for themselves too. Life is never going to be perfect and there are always going to be setbacks, but know you are not alone and that with time, pain will subside and you too will suffer through.

mo

everyone has their own battles.

(a long post for those who care to read or those who care in general)

It’s tough. Feeling like a stranger in my own home. Feeling like  I wear a mask everyday to shield the concentrated liquid swelling  my eyes trying hard to seep through. But they don’t. Because I’m strong. Stronger than most think but weak when it matters. I’m so FUCKING tired of being expected to act a particular way for the people that think they know me but don’t. I mean, it’s not like I asked to be born. It’s not like I am trying to be everything they never wanted me to be. I just am. I’m smart, sure. Not as street smart as I wish. Not to be dramatic, but some days I feel like life would be so much easier for everyone if I just didn’t exist. Life would be so much easier for me – if I never existed. I mean what do I really even bring into people’s lives except for rejection? and heartbreak? and dissapointment? The people closest to me, the ones that are deserving of the world, are the ones that I consistently see in pain, whether it be financially, a broken family, a broken heart, mentally. And this is why I refrain from telling them how I feel. Because why burden them with my feelings about my life and make it all about me? I’ve NEVER wanted to be the center of the attention, you can ask my bestfriends.  I hate talking about myself.  one of my biggest weaknesses is writing those essays that ask “What about you makes you special?” or “What makes you better than others to be a candidate for [insert occupation here]” Nothing. Literally nothing. I just breath. And try to laugh when I can. I don’t know how I am so god damn positive about everything that goes wrong, but I am. But somedays – lately the past month –  it’s been so hard. It’s hard to be positive when you feel alone. When you feel you can’t talk to anyone but your fucking computer because if you tell anyone how you feel you get responses like “stop making things about you” or “no one is sitting here worried about you. everyone has better things to do.” LOL. So i just waste my day away by sleeping. Or I use the gym to get away from home and sweat out what I don’t cry. Or I focus on my plans for school. People always wonder why I care so much about school. “Why? What makes school so special? Why do you work so much and never make time for yourself?” Because when I do, I have to face the reality that my life is fucking shit. and i’m fucking unhappy. Okay? “Oh but, you have all this money.” No my parents have the money. I don’t have jack shit. “Oh but you have opportunities that people wish they had. You get to go to Baylor (your dream school), you get a nice ass car. You get an apartment all to yourself.” Yeah. I do. But you know what I don’t get? I don’t get the love and affection that i want/NEED. MOney and all these materialistic things are important yeah – to an extent. But if I could just have aany vehicle that works for transportation, if i had a place to get an education even if its not top tier in anything + the ability of not feeling alone. I would choose that. People just don’t understand. They don’t get that materialistic things aren’t everything when you have no one to share them with. I’m not writing this so when people read (if they even read this far) can pity me. I hate fucking pity. I don’t want any of you to say “I’m so sorry” or “I wish things were different” because what good is that going to do? If you got this far. All I want is for you to say  is “I’m here and I hear you” that’s it. No pity. Just listening. That’s all I’ve wanted. To just not feel alone. Not have to fucking voice record my thoughts on my memos and listen back to myself.

I just needed to write this all out because if I went another day with just thinking these things, I probably would have exploded.

The real point of this all was not to focus on the indiviual problems going on in my life but just kind of a way of saying that everyone has their own battles they are fighting through and despite the fact that the media portrays life as glamorous and beauitful. They are simple screenshots of good moments. And yes, great moments can happen in the day but sometimes the rest of the day is shit or the week is shit. But in a way that’s why I enjoy photgraphy and documenting life sometimes becasue it focuses on the good times rather than the bad. But the bad must be acknowleged eventually and that is  why I give you posts like this one.

In short, I know things will get better but I will NOT change who I am, what I love or my passions for the sake of money or for the sake of being accepted into my family. Because then who would be accepted? It wouldn’t be me but a fabrication. Anyways, thanks for listening/reading if you got this far. Needless to say, my summer did not go at all how I thought it would go in my last post. But I’m alive. And i’m in love. and i have beauitful bestfriends. And i believe that things will get better for them. Therefore, I believe things will get better for myself. Within time.

Talk to you all soon.

P.S. I’m leaving for London on Wednesday for Study Abroad. Maybe I will feel better there. Will continue to update. Hope you all are having a better summer than i am ❤

 

5.6.18 Updates

 

it’s hard to believe that the end of my 2nd semester of college is approaching. I have studied about 4 hours straight reviewing for my Neuroscience final that is tomorrow (my last final)! I was in the mood to write earlier when I was studying but I forced myself to get through with reviewing all four units (14 chapters) before writing so now my urge to write has kind of depleted. I have to listen to myself more often! Anywho, this year of college has really tested my ability to be alone as well as my ability to balance my academics and my relationships (friendships, family, significant others). I felt so damn lonely for the longest time. It wasn’t until literally 2/3 weeks ago that I found someone very similar to me that kind of filled that void. I’m forever grateful for that. Also, I really improved in managing my time and studying. Depending on what I get on my final, I’ll most likely be looking at a 4.0 GPA as a Neuroscience major for this semester. Let me know if you guys want tips on studying, I’d be more than willing to dedicate a post to that. I’m just so damn ready to finally be able to make time for myself. I’m currently listening to Kusanagi by ODESZA. The sun is hitting the table that I’m sitting at in Starbucks/Moody Library so nicely. I’ll insert pics 😉 SO much is in store for this summer. The first two months (May & June) will consist of time for myself, working out, writing, spending time with the people that mean the world to me. July will be spent in Great Britain and Paris studying Behavioral Medicine and Clinical Psychology. August will consist of bringing my mind back and ready to take on my second year of college moving into my very first apartment. Excited to spruce it up to make it a real home w/ cute plants and all the simplicities of life that make it worthwhile. This just turned into an update post lol but whatever, it works. I’ve taken to Tumblr again which you guys can find me @notetolife as well. Tumblr is like twitter for me but so much more intimate. I would love to connect with you all there as well ❤  I’m currently working on loving myself more and really just coming to terms with who I am. Okay, so now Manastra // Summer Salt is playing. wow. i feel so happy.  Anyways. I’m at the part in my life where I am still growing and figuring out what exactly I want in life and who I want to be in it. It’s a tough journey – life, But I know I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be now. Gonna let the light SHINE on me. That was unplanned but LMFAO, leave a comment if you know what that song references. If you don’t know, you haven’t lived. hehe. Anyways, I’ll wrap this up with a couple last words. I plan on writing way more like WAY more. On here. On Tumblr. I might try youtube again – covers and maybe even some originals that I have been working on. I plan on reading way more. My goal is to read about 5 books this summer. Future Police // The Irons.  Okay, I’m going to go back to studying. Thanks for reading it all the way to here if you did :’)

to all of the important people in my life: thanks for being here for me. I am internally grateful for you even if I don’t say it much. Colourway // Novo Amor. 

talk to you all soon.

mo

drowning

it’s hard. to lose someone who two days ago was explaining how much you mean to them and “how did you ever live without me before we met” and then all of a sudden two days later they aren’t in your life. I will never know why life consistently throws curve balls at my heart as if it wasn’t already bruised enough from the past. You know how long it took me to heal those? about 2 years. when I met you. I have never felt such strong love. I have been in love, I’ll admit. But this? This was different. This was mature and healthy. No fights. Annoyances, of course, but despite disagreements, always knowing that at the end of it all it would be okay because we loved each other – like REALLY loved each other. best friends. lovers. what hurts the most is that there was no reason for the end. you are in love with me. you want to be with me. I’m in love with you. I want to be with you. So why aren’t we together? you know how “when you know, you know?” It’s cliche but it’s one of the truest cliche I’ve ever known. with you, i knew. I was surprised at myself how every guy out there, attractive ones and not, would pass me by but all my eyes fixated on was you. I was comfortable to be myself. I gave myself. I trusted that this was the real thing.  A part of me believes that this is a mistake. That you will realize that you love me and this was just you not knowing how to handle your internal mentality right now. Another part of me wonders if I’m just wishfully thinking. I love hard. I put my entirety into the person I love. and it is never good enough. But maybe I should stop. Stop pretending like everything is meant to be. Because it if was, maybe you wouldn’t have pushed me away. You clearly felt this wasn’t for you. maybe you were just sugar coating the real reason. who knows? only you do, deep down inside. All I know is that people who are in love don’t just up and leave all of a sudden. life is hard yeah. life will always be hard. but what happens when you’ve pushed away everyone who cares and loves you? You like to deal with your issues alone. It won’t work. My heart is my weakness and I feel like one day I will just drown in all the love I have created for you. the love that you no longer care to receive. maybe I’m just undeserving. maybe no one was ever meant to truly love me.

I’m drowning.

 

a free thought

I stare amongst the fired eyes – the life within the space.

The life that I so crave.

The life I could create – but I don’t.

Instead, I just watch.

I watch as the trains pass and the rails keep going until they do not.

Just like your life goes on until it doesn’t anymore.

This is not to get confused with life in general – for that stops for no one.

But the life I lead will eventually give out and the grains of sand will finish the hourglass and I don’t think anyone will be so kind to turn it over for me. They will be too busy with their own.

I have found a need to love myself. To feel enough for the people I love. To not need the reassurance of love from them but to be able to find it within.

I stare amongst the fired eyes of others but where are my own? Where is the fire to ignite them? It is within. Buried beneath the insecurities that even I,  myself, have suppressed. I look at myself as this confident lioness. But the truth is, I am a sheep. Not completely – a hybrid. A sheep morphing. But the only one that can complete the process is me. How will others love me completely if I do not even love myself? Who am I? Who are we? You are I. I am you.

There will always be someone beautiful. Someone funny. Someone that could potentially become the love of someone’s life. There is no such thing as being better than another. Rather, everyone has their own qualities that are just right for them and maybe if someone gets lucky, for that someone as well. Why waste time being insecure? If you are meant for someone. If that someone loves you. You will be the ONLY one perfect in their eyes. Let not an insecurity or fear of being alone keep you from the love you so deserve – from a love that deserves you.

There is no better love than the love you give yourself.

I feel the power of love pounding my chest to break through  – the passion within wanting to ignite. I will let it ignite. Will you?

I stare amongst the fired eyes – the life within the space.

The space is the mirror.

The eyes are my own.

I no longer watch.

They do.

only read this if you care

It’s so hard to find the words that you want to express. Especially when you are nervous that the wrong person might stumble across your writing. But the truth is, I made this for me. Not any one else. I shouldn’t be so confident in thinking others even take the time to read these. Which is okay. I only want people here that want to be here if that makes sense. ANyways, for the past few days, I have been in my head. And I can’t seem to find my way out. Am I happy? Am I sad? Am I even anything at all? I find myself on social media wondering what the point is. It’s so toxic – always worried about what someone is doing with their life, how happy a relationship is, strangers showing off their body transformations for retweets instead of them just being happy within themselves and not needing some form of validation. I’m sure this makes me sound cynical and apathetic but I’m tired of holding my thoughts back because of the need to be “politically correct”. This is my life damn it. It’s my mind. I have a right to feel how I feel whether people agree with it or not. I’m just so damn tired. Of not feeling good enough for anyone. I feel people around me slipping away slowly but surely. I feel so alone. And a part of me wants that. But the rational side of me knows that I need people and knows that the reason I want to be alone is that I am afraid of losing the people I love, and I am scared of having to face this life all on my own. My best friends are off living their lives – making new friends, partying, having sex. My parents busy with work. My boyfriend having fun with his life without me.  And that’s the thing. No one needs me like I need them and it’s something I am not used to. I’ve always been the one everyone needed. For advice. For love. To overcast the negativity in their lives. And they are all doing just fine without me. They don’t need me to be in their lives. It wouldn’t affect them if I was not in it. I am not saying this in a suicide way, I just mean in general. It’s easy to feel like a burden. I hate needing validation so much but I just want to feel needed and appreciated. And I lack that in every aspect of my life. I am unhappy with life. And I am just now acknowledging it. Wow. Me. Being unhappy. What a concept. I just needed to get this out. And maybe whoever cares will read this. If you have gotten all the way to here, Hi. Do you ever feel this way too? Maybe one day I will be content again. But I have a lot of work to do.

I’ll be writing more now. This is really about to be the closest thing to me your ever going to get. So if you care to listen to me rant about my life and the deepest aspects of my life as I experience them, then stick around. If not, thanks for being here for the amount of time you were.

m

New Year, New Approach

Happy New Year to all of you out there in the blogosphere! While the New Year is great for pushing people to set new resolutions and goals, I have never really been one to be like “Oh it is a New Year so I am going to workout and do this and that” because let’s be real who really ever sticks through those for the entire year? If you do, then I salute you, because I normally never make it to two months.  This year I am trying a different approach. For this year I have sat long and hard and asked myself, “In what ways would I like to see myself improve this year?” I then took those aspirations and figured out ways to incorporate some type of daily habit that would allow me to target those aspects of myself that need some refining. For example, this year I want to be more at channel with myself and my thoughts because last year I really let the things going on around me distract me from well, me. In order to incorporate this aspiration into my daily life, I have opted to do some form of meditation or writing every day. This really gives me a time to just focus on myself because let’s face it, if we take the time out of our busy lives to eat and use the restroom and call our family and friends, then we can set aside time for ourselves (especially because nothing is more important than you!) There is this whole misconception that if you think that way that you are selfish or that you are full of yourself, but sometimes you have to be when it comes to being TRULY happy. Never let yourself be distracted by the needs of others that you forget to put yourself first. I hope this approach works out for me. I’ll most likely do another post about my “daily habits” later on in the month. But until then…

Good luck to all of you in all of your endeavors for the new year…you can do it 🙂

Mo

Carpe Diem

I am madly in love. And its bizarre because a year ago today, I would have never thought that it was possible to love again. This exact reason is why I am afraid. I am afraid of the unknown. The unknown is ahead of all of us. My life was completely different last year. I was single. I was in high school. I was excited and getting to know others that would be attending the same college as I in the fall. Now I sit here. In a 9 month relationship with someone I had not even met last year. Preparing to spend New Years Eve with him and his family. All this can’t help but make me wonder; where will I be next year? Will I still be in this amazing relationship? Will I have made long-lasting friendships? Will I be happy? Will I even be alive? I guess there is nothing much I can really do but choose to live in the present and approach every life opportunity as it comes. In the past, I have always had a problem with overthinking things and worrying about the future that I never was able to fully appreciate the moments that were right in front of me. In this past year, however, I have improved in that aspect of my life, as well as others. I know the value that I have to offer to the world and those in it and this is the reason why I am so picky with the people I choose to have around me. It is sad to say but there are so many selfish individuals out there that do not care about anyone but themselves. Their negative energy brings you down. They don’t contribute anything positive to your life. Get rid of them. Only surround yourself with those who add substance to your life. Only do things that make you happy and that you are passionate about. Yes, life is going to bring you stress, heartbreak, financial crisis, but it is also going to bring you love, family, friendship, passion and moments that you will remember when you’re old and grey.  If there is anything important to leave you with from this post, it is to grab every ounce of life that is present with you today and bask in it. Life is too short to be afraid of what is to come. Carpe Diem. Seize the day. In the end, you’ll be glad you did.

Mo

Just a little update

College life is draining man. But hi, I am back and for good. It was super exhausting just getting used to college life and my schedule that I chose to take off from YouTube and from my blog to just get a feel for how life was going to be away from home and in a completely different environment than what I am used to. But, now that I have done that, I can finally incorporate what I love back into my schedule. With that being said, my blog posts will begin to upload on a regular basis and I am excited for what this blog has in store. It’s funny because I act like everything is planned out for this but in reality, it’s not. I post based off my mood which is why I have realized that posting a particular and set thing every day will never work. Unless maybe I do some sort of challenge for the month and with that, I would accomplish it because challenges are my absolute favorite.

Anywho, I am back and I am determined to remain consistent not because of anything but the mere fact that acknowledging my thoughts and being able to just write out how I feel always leaves me feeling more at terms with myself and the world around me.

Can’t wait to begin again —

Mo

A Note on Relationships: (#1: Do I Care Too Much?)

Relationships aren’t something new to me. and by that, I don’t mean I have been with tons of guys, just that I have had quite a share of lessons learned throughout my experiences.  Despite who I am with, I seem to continue to fall back into the same pattern. Although not evident at first, I begin to notice it as feelings progress within me. It is as if once I have decided “okay I am feeling feelings of love,” I just dive heart first into whatever it is and want to do everything in my ability to maintain a healthy, fun loving relationship. When I say “everything,” I do not mean irrational things. I simply mean that I do everything in my power that is healthy for the both of us to maintain a sense of happiness within the relationship.

I wouldn’t say that I am an amazing person to be in a relationship with and that I don’t have my days because believe me, I do. Relationships are never easy, clearly. But I do know that I give my all in every relationship. I understand the importance of communication when one of us aren’t happy with something one of us did. This doesn’t have to be anything as serious as infidelity. It can be things like “hey, I don’t really appreciate when I try to explain how I am feeling and you just try to change the subject to get my mind off of it.” It is little things like this that although are minuscule, can end up becoming bigger as the relationship progresses.

That brings me to my topic for this post: “Caring Too Much In a Relationship.” Lately, I have been feeling as if I care too much, and my eagerness to make sure that this person in my life is always happy causes me to overthink things like when he is sleepy and wants to go to bed, and mistake it for me having done something wrong to cause him to want to call it a night earlier than usual. Most of the time I am right when I feel he is upset, but I always feel like feelings of unhappiness or any other negative feelings should be addressed before the end of the day. That is just how I have always been. I begin to feel like I am just being selfish when I want to make things better and maybe he doesn’t want to discuss how he is feeling or does not feel like opening up at the moment. When I begin to feel like this, I automatically revert to telling myself things like “you care too much, you need to stop texting him, maybe if you ignore him you’ll lose some feelings.” Clearly, this is not the best thing to do and feelings aren’t something that you can control at your leisure.

The truth is, people cope with negative feelings in different ways, and we can’t exactly always be there for someone when we want to be. We just have to make sure to be there when they need us. Saying someone cares too much is like saying someone loves too much or like saying someone is too passionate about something they love. Instead, we should be asking ourselves, “Do  I care enough?.” “Do I do what I can to make sure that the person I am with is receiving the reassurance, passion, love, and consolidation that they need from me and for our relationship to prosper?” Until we start evaluating how well we are doing within the relationship, rather than looking over to see what our significant other is not up to par with, our relationships will not be able to thrive the way that they have the potential to.

Like mentioned earlier in this post, communication is key. Talk about your past, your fears, your dreams. Talk about when you are upset or when you are happy. Be there for each other. Never make the mistake like I have where you feel like you are caring too much or that you need to “stop your feelings from being too strong.” Embrace everything as it comes, the good and the bad. At least then you will know if the relationship does not work out, that you gave unequivocal proof of your all and dove heart first into the happy-sad, passionate and intense feeling we all identify as “love.”

Mo, an ordinary

P.S. let me know if you enjoy these kinds of posts and comment what topic you would like for me to cover next