I haven’t written in what seems like forever and it is so unhealthy. I don’t even know how to write anymore – what to say, what to think, what to do to understand why I feel the way that i do. I just do. I feel happy sad. I have moments where I choose to experience the happy and other days where I choose to let the sadness consume me. And then there are days, like today, where I can’t choose and I just feel how I do. It is so frustrating. Because, what do I have going on in my life that I could possibly be sad about? Nothing. I never force a smile on my face, though. People always tell me that I look sad all the time. I am not always sad but I also don’t and will not ever pretend to be happy. That’s weak shit. One of the things that I live by is to always embrace the negative feelings you experience because it is truly the only way you can grow from it. Eventually, you become immune to the pain and it doesn’t hurt as much – but it never goes away. I just wish i lived near the people who understand me the most. I live near two. And it means the world. But to live near the other three would make life less shitty and less lonely. I am so lonely. And I have always struggled with loneliness. I love my solitude, don’t get me wrong. But there is a fine line between solitude and loneliness and half the time i cross over into the lonely threshold and it fucking suffocates me. I do it to myself sometimes. I push away the people that love me and I seclude myself from the world and I just sit alone in my apartment basking in it all – the loneliness, the sadness, the overwhelming feeling that I will never get to the place in my life where I am in my peak of happiness. Because no matter how many things go right in my life, something always has to happen that counters it and exceeds the happiness and then there i am again. stuck. it never ends. it is literal hell. The people that I love experience worse than me. I do acknowledge that and I don’t mean to say that I have it worse in the world because I know that I am so lucky in so many respects. But it doesn’t make my feelings less valid.
at the end of the day, I am proud of the person that I have become. I am wise. I manage my emotions well. I always find the calm within the storm and despite my own kind of suffering, I suffer through in order to help others suffer through. And that is my purpose in this life. And i will never stop fighting and I hope one day someone will see this in me and want that for themselves too. Life is never going to be perfect and there are always going to be setbacks, but know you are not alone and that with time, pain will subside and you too will suffer through.
(a long post for those who care to read or those who care in general)
It’s tough. Feeling like a stranger in my own home. Feeling like I wear a mask everyday to shield the concentrated liquid swelling my eyes trying hard to seep through. But they don’t. Because I’m strong. Stronger than most think but weak when it matters. I’m so FUCKING tired of being expected to act a particular way for the people that think they know me but don’t. I mean, it’s not like I asked to be born. It’s not like I am trying to be everything they never wanted me to be. I just am. I’m smart, sure. Not as street smart as I wish. Not to be dramatic, but some days I feel like life would be so much easier for everyone if I just didn’t exist. Life would be so much easier for me – if I never existed. I mean what do I really even bring into people’s lives except for rejection? and heartbreak? and dissapointment? The people closest to me, the ones that are deserving of the world, are the ones that I consistently see in pain, whether it be financially, a broken family, a broken heart, mentally. And this is why I refrain from telling them how I feel. Because why burden them with my feelings about my life and make it all about me? I’ve NEVER wanted to be the center of the attention, you can ask my bestfriends. I hate talking about myself. one of my biggest weaknesses is writing those essays that ask “What about you makes you special?” or “What makes you better than others to be a candidate for [insert occupation here]” Nothing. Literally nothing. I just breath. And try to laugh when I can. I don’t know how I am so god damn positive about everything that goes wrong, but I am. But somedays – lately the past month – it’s been so hard. It’s hard to be positive when you feel alone. When you feel you can’t talk to anyone but your fucking computer because if you tell anyone how you feel you get responses like “stop making things about you” or “no one is sitting here worried about you. everyone has better things to do.” LOL. So i just waste my day away by sleeping. Or I use the gym to get away from home and sweat out what I don’t cry. Or I focus on my plans for school. People always wonder why I care so much about school. “Why? What makes school so special? Why do you work so much and never make time for yourself?” Because when I do, I have to face the reality that my life is fucking shit. and i’m fucking unhappy. Okay? “Oh but, you have all this money.” No my parents have the money. I don’t have jack shit. “Oh but you have opportunities that people wish they had. You get to go to Baylor (your dream school), you get a nice ass car. You get an apartment all to yourself.” Yeah. I do. But you know what I don’t get? I don’t get the love and affection that i want/NEED. MOney and all these materialistic things are important yeah – to an extent. But if I could just have aany vehicle that works for transportation, if i had a place to get an education even if its not top tier in anything + the ability of not feeling alone. I would choose that. People just don’t understand. They don’t get that materialistic things aren’t everything when you have no one to share them with. I’m not writing this so when people read (if they even read this far) can pity me. I hate fucking pity. I don’t want any of you to say “I’m so sorry” or “I wish things were different” because what good is that going to do? If you got this far. All I want is for you to say is “I’m here and I hear you” that’s it. No pity. Just listening. That’s all I’ve wanted. To just not feel alone. Not have to fucking voice record my thoughts on my memos and listen back to myself.
I just needed to write this all out because if I went another day with just thinking these things, I probably would have exploded.
The real point of this all was not to focus on the indiviual problems going on in my life but just kind of a way of saying that everyone has their own battles they are fighting through and despite the fact that the media portrays life as glamorous and beauitful. They are simple screenshots of good moments. And yes, great moments can happen in the day but sometimes the rest of the day is shit or the week is shit. But in a way that’s why I enjoy photgraphy and documenting life sometimes becasue it focuses on the good times rather than the bad. But the bad must be acknowleged eventually and that is why I give you posts like this one.
In short, I know things will get better but I will NOT change who I am, what I love or my passions for the sake of money or for the sake of being accepted into my family. Because then who would be accepted? It wouldn’t be me but a fabrication. Anyways, thanks for listening/reading if you got this far. Needless to say, my summer did not go at all how I thought it would go in my last post. But I’m alive. And i’m in love. and i have beauitful bestfriends. And i believe that things will get better for them. Therefore, I believe things will get better for myself. Within time.
Talk to you all soon.
P.S. I’m leaving for London on Wednesday for Study Abroad. Maybe I will feel better there. Will continue to update. Hope you all are having a better summer than i am ❤
it’s hard to believe that the end of my 2nd semester of college is approaching. I have studied about 4 hours straight reviewing for my Neuroscience final that is tomorrow (my last final)! I was in the mood to write earlier when I was studying but I forced myself to get through with reviewing all four units (14 chapters) before writing so now my urge to write has kind of depleted. I have to listen to myself more often! Anywho, this year of college has really tested my ability to be alone as well as my ability to balance my academics and my relationships (friendships, family, significant others). I felt so damn lonely for the longest time. It wasn’t until literally 2/3 weeks ago that I found someone very similar to me that kind of filled that void. I’m forever grateful for that. Also, I really improved in managing my time and studying. Depending on what I get on my final, I’ll most likely be looking at a 4.0 GPA as a Neuroscience major for this semester. Let me know if you guys want tips on studying, I’d be more than willing to dedicate a post to that. I’m just so damn ready to finally be able to make time for myself. I’m currently listening to Kusanagi by ODESZA. The sun is hitting the table that I’m sitting at in Starbucks/Moody Library so nicely. I’ll insert pics 😉 SO much is in store for this summer. The first two months (May & June) will consist of time for myself, working out, writing, spending time with the people that mean the world to me. July will be spent in Great Britain and Paris studying Behavioral Medicine and Clinical Psychology. August will consist of bringing my mind back and ready to take on my second year of college moving into my very first apartment. Excited to spruce it up to make it a real home w/ cute plants and all the simplicities of life that make it worthwhile. This just turned into an update post lol but whatever, it works. I’ve taken to Tumblr again which you guys can find me @notetolife as well. Tumblr is like twitter for me but so much more intimate. I would love to connect with you all there as well ❤ I’m currently working on loving myself more and really just coming to terms with who I am. Okay, so now Manastra // Summer Salt is playing. wow. i feel so happy. Anyways. I’m at the part in my life where I am still growing and figuring out what exactly I want in life and who I want to be in it. It’s a tough journey – life, But I know I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be now. Gonna let the light SHINE on me. That was unplanned but LMFAO, leave a comment if you know what that song references. If you don’t know, you haven’t lived. hehe. Anyways, I’ll wrap this up with a couple last words. I plan on writing way more like WAY more. On here. On Tumblr. I might try youtube again – covers and maybe even some originals that I have been working on. I plan on reading way more. My goal is to read about 5 books this summer. Future Police // The Irons. Okay, I’m going to go back to studying. Thanks for reading it all the way to here if you did :’)
to all of the important people in my life: thanks for being here for me. I am internally grateful for you even if I don’t say it much. Colourway // Novo Amor.
talk to you all soon.
it’s hard. to lose someone who two days ago was explaining how much you mean to them and “how did you ever live without me before we met” and then all of a sudden two days later they aren’t in your life. I will never know why life consistently throws curve balls at my heart as if it wasn’t already bruised enough from the past. You know how long it took me to heal those? about 2 years. when I met you. I have never felt such strong love. I have been in love, I’ll admit. But this? This was different. This was mature and healthy. No fights. Annoyances, of course, but despite disagreements, always knowing that at the end of it all it would be okay because we loved each other – like REALLY loved each other. best friends. lovers. what hurts the most is that there was no reason for the end. you are in love with me. you want to be with me. I’m in love with you. I want to be with you. So why aren’t we together? you know how “when you know, you know?” It’s cliche but it’s one of the truest cliche I’ve ever known. with you, i knew. I was surprised at myself how every guy out there, attractive ones and not, would pass me by but all my eyes fixated on was you. I was comfortable to be myself. I gave myself. I trusted that this was the real thing. A part of me believes that this is a mistake. That you will realize that you love me and this was just you not knowing how to handle your internal mentality right now. Another part of me wonders if I’m just wishfully thinking. I love hard. I put my entirety into the person I love. and it is never good enough. But maybe I should stop. Stop pretending like everything is meant to be. Because it if was, maybe you wouldn’t have pushed me away. You clearly felt this wasn’t for you. maybe you were just sugar coating the real reason. who knows? only you do, deep down inside. All I know is that people who are in love don’t just up and leave all of a sudden. life is hard yeah. life will always be hard. but what happens when you’ve pushed away everyone who cares and loves you? You like to deal with your issues alone. It won’t work. My heart is my weakness and I feel like one day I will just drown in all the love I have created for you. the love that you no longer care to receive. maybe I’m just undeserving. maybe no one was ever meant to truly love me.
This music tag is coming to an end and I am kind of bummed tbh. This has been a really good mental exercise for me – more than I thought it would be at least. Having to take a topic and then figure out what song I thought related to it. I realized when I began this music challenge that there aren’t even 30 days in February, so I figured I would include 3 songs in this one. Like a mega-tag post. So keep reading to hear day 28, 29, and 30’s song.
Day 28: “ An old song that you still listen to frequently”
I feel like I still listen to a lot of old Blink 182, Nirvana and basically older punk/rock bands. So I figured I would highlight a Nirvana song because last Tuesday was Kurt Cobain’s birthday RIP. He would be 51. That’s crazy as hell.
Day 29: “A song from your childhood”
I feel like day 28 is kind of similar. But anyways, I’ll highlight a major bop from my childhood that I have always loved.
Day 30: “Your favorite song at this time last year”
I just checked my TimeHop to see if I had posted a song on twitter this time last year because that is basically the main way I utilize Twitter. And of course, I did. I love that my favorite songs are typically songs from before or early in my time. Old music never dies.
I’m lowkey sad that this music tag is over. But let me know if you guys enjoyed this. I will continue to do song/artist recommendations occasionally though. But I am extremely excited to start posting more on my therapeutic conversations/lifestyle tab – hopefully more consistently 🙂
“A song you associate with a book”
Unfortunately, I haven’t had much time to do outside reading this semester, so I figured I would do this post based off of my favorite book: Perspective by Robert J. Wicks. It’s this psychology-based book that takes you through different perspectives in order to realize at the end that there is always a calm within the storm. In other words, there are always positives within the negatives of life and it is up to you to channel a particular perspective in order to achieve the ability to acknowledge that positive.
Anyways, this song reminds me of that concept.
Hope you enjoy 🙂
ps : don’t forget if the video doesn’t play on WordPress reader, click to my website and it will play there!
“A song you associate with a movie”
In case none of you know, my favorite movie is Jennifer’s Body. Not only do I love movies with a strong female lead that EATS human flesh – mostly guys – for dinner, but I love good movies with GREAT soundtracks. This one happens to be one of those movies. I can literally hear a song from the movie and know exactly what scene it played during. I wish I could mention the entire soundtrack but I have to choose one song Therefore, here it is. If you like the vibe of it, please please please check out the entire soundtrack.
In previous posts, I have already mentioned Ready for the Floor by Lissy Trullie and Violet by Hole. So, today this post focuses on Kiss with a Fist by Florence + The Machine
hope it stimulates your ears;) also the relationship this song talks about sounds so healthy!!!
“A song that will get you to smile”
Bill Withers. What a guy. This one is definitely one that I can’t help but smile to. I listen to it and it just makes me feel unbelievably grateful for everything in my life – the good and the bad.
If you have never heard this song, please check it out…it just might put a smile on your face too :’)
dust in the wind – kansas
“A song that you want to play at your funeral”
This one is a bit morbid. I think about death all the time and it’s one of the things most guaranteed as I am sure you all know. Therefore, this is the song I think would best suit my funeral.
such a sad but beautiful song.
“A song that you want to play at your wedding”
Assuming that one day I get proposed to and am ready for something so big and I actually got to decide on the music, i would for sure incorporate this one. I didn’t know if I wanted to pick out the song for the first dance of the bride or groom or one of the reception songs. I feel like it wouldn’t go to well because I would dead ass want so many rock songs and oldies to play and I don’t think that would necessarily fit well with everyone but then agaiin it would be my wedding. Anyways, that topic is a whole ways off and not even sure if I will ever get to make that step in my lifetime, but here’s a song if by chance I do.
IT MAKES ME WANT TO DANCE. Like come on who wouldn’t get out of their seats or move at least a little to it? The song is golden. idk why but the 1975, especially this song, gives me The Cure vibes and I am here for it.