January 2nd

Okay so maybe this won’t be raw poetry but maybe just writing whatever comes to mind? Not necessarily a poem but it can be. Think i’ll call it 365 Days. Basically the purpose of this so you all know is to make time for myself at least once a day and write whatever is on my mind even if it is just one sentence.

See what I mean? I already missed a day because technically it is already January 3rd but I am writing this one for the 2nd. I spent almost the entire day working on my statement of purpose and writing sample for grad school applications. I have just had this burst of motivation lately to finally get shit done when it comes to school which has been cool but I also think I am beginning to find a balance with making time for myself.

For example, I did not technically write on here, but I wrote my statement of purpose which was easy as soon as I started writing about my passion for literature and then around 10pm I left the house and hung with this cool ass guy (hehe) and we went to the skate park and I fucking suck man. lol. I ate shit trying to go down a ramp. And I was all in my head about it and it sucked. But he could tell I was in my head and he helped comfort me which was cool.

Life is cool when you are spending it with people who understand you. Anyways I have my GRE today and I am lowkey nervous but fuck it.

Have a good night ūüôā


A post about “Love” or whatever

I’ve come to the realization that I am a hopeless romantic — despite being given every reason to be cynical as fuck.

I just finished watching a movie on Netflix called “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Lol. Don’t roll your eyes. Hear me out. For those of you who haven’t seen it, it basically follows the lives of multiples men/women/singles/couples. But, one person in particular – Gigi –¬† struck a chord with me. Although she was extremelyyy cringy at times and believed that any sign of a guy being nice meant he was interested in seeing her again, her hope and unwillingness to give up on the possibility of love…man, I felt that shit.¬† I won’t speak for every woman out there, but I believe in love. In finding something worth fighting for even after bearing experience and witness to the excruciating pain that accompanies ever loving anybody to begin with.

It’s hard though. It’s so easy to get caught up in the questioning of whether or not the person your into is even into you. Do you go with the flow and just hope for the best? But what if the other person just sucks at showing their feelings and is waiting for you to make the first move? What if it’s just because they aren’t fucking into you? Lol. Catch my drift? It’s fucking confusing!! But despite this, I always maintain hope. And I always wear my heart on my sleeve because I know that one day I will be glad that I did. I hate living my life wondering what if. And that doesn’t mean I am searching for something or someone or some feeling. I’m content with being alone in my own solitude. But I know that when the time comes, to love again, my heart will be open and receptive to it.

Love. The one feeling that can one day make you feel on top of the fucking world and on another leave you crawled up in a ball on the bathroom floor asking yourself “Why am I never good enough?” But deep down inside, I know that one day I will be good enough. For the right person.

Gosh, it feels so fucking good to be writing again. I have been so inspired, yet I haven’t been able to get any of my thoughts out. LOL. I fucking cried at the end of the movie. Okay, well not cried.¬† But teared up, at least. When the guy (I forgot his name) showed up at Gigi’s doorstep and told her that she was right. That him being obsessed with the idea of making women expendable, though it might dodge the possibility of getting hurt, it leads him to the same place: alone. And Gigi, though she may make a complete fool of herself when feelings are not reciprocated, she is always one step closer to finding someone/something¬†that way. He fucking kissed her and I lost it. Lol. Like FUCKKKK. I was like damn it. You fucking hopeless romantic little bitch hahahahaha. But at the same time, I love myself for it.

Like that cliché saying: Better to love than to never have loved at all.

So anyways, now I’m just sitting here, on the couch, in the dark, writing. Listening to my new playlist “Introspection” feeling more inspired than ever and excited for what the future may or may not bring.

I guess what I’m trying to say is:¬† Don’t give up on the possibility of love. I know my fair share of cynics. And I may be a hopeless romantic, but I’m also not ignorant to the fact that that shit hurtttts and it’s not always rainbows and fireworks. It’s pain, its hard work. It’s even (sometimes) giving your complete all for another person who isn’t willing to do the same for you. But it’s also the most incredible feeling in the world. And honestly? It’s worth it to me. And I hope to find someone one day (maybe I’ve already found that person?? Who knows haha) who feels it is too.

Anyways, I’m going to stop rambling about this because this will literally just turn into a novel about endless hope for love and yada yada yada.

No rush for love on my end – to love or to be loved. But hey, if it comes, it comes. (my mind is in the gutter haha)

Cheers! (Do people end posts this way? Who cares. I’m ending mine this way).

Cheers to love  Рsomething I hope that everyone in this universe gets to experience at least once in their lifetime.



you inspire me to write. to love. to consume every ounce of passion and throw it up across a keyboard, a piece of paper, a blue light screen at an hour in which I should be asleep. you have this funny way of creeping into my thoughts every time i finally think that i can handle life without you in it.

every independent has a first love – someone to show them that the world is not completely fucked up and that something positive can come out of allowing yourself to continue to live another day. everybody needs love even if they cannot admit it to themselves.

we know heartbreak because we know love. we know happiness, sadness, greed, hunger, thirst, jealousy, anger, EXCRUTIATING pain because we know love. we want to believe that we can handle everything life throws at us on our own but the truth is – our minds, our thoughts are fucking monsters. we need someone there to tame them.

you tame them.

our love tames them.

but we have to prepare for the day that the taming comes to a halt. the lips. the two-sided bed. hands. fingers. head-to-chest. only matched by an eye for Gestalt.

i accept that no love will ever compare to ours.

i accept that it will always be you.

but you cant tame my monsters if i cant tame yours.

let me in or let me go

do you want me?

yes or no



You are a hidden Gem

I just had this inkling to write. Write about my current state of mind and the way I have been resonating with literature and the ideas of scholars that I have come across in the past few days, as well as the novels that I have been reading. I know there are a lot of people who think of literature or “English” courses and just associate¬†it with being something so boring and time-consuming. “Why read this book that this professor assigned me? ¬†20 pages? Do they not realize I have better things to do?” I get it. But maybe¬†listening¬†and¬†paying attention¬†to my thoughts might change your perspective – don’t think of this as reading a post. think of it as listening. let me know what you think.

The reason I love literature is because of its universality. Think of music. It is one of the few things that allows us to connect with our thoughts and our passions and the world outside of ourselves. Literature, to me, does the same thing. I watched a great conversation yesterday at my college given by two fascinating artists/writers/storytellers РTerry Tempest Williams and Colum McCann. A good friend of mine emailed me after the event and asked my opinion of it Рthis is it. I feel like it really encapsulates my exact thoughts on the state of literature, the importance of getting to know the people around us, and the way in which it allows us to be more empathetic.

“so sorry i‚Äôm just now getting back to this. I loved it so much. it really resonated with me. mainly the discussion about the importance of listening to people and understanding the fact that everyone in this world is worth getting to know. everyone has these cognitive processes and complex ways of thinking about life and the way in which it is bigger than ourselves and people need to actually pay attention. pay attention to the strangers passing by. pay attention to the things people say/write/etc. i mean me, for example, i‚Äôm extremely quiet in class settings. but i‚Äôm so much more than the quiet person in class. just like the student who always speaks up in class is so much more than the student who always speaks up in class. i reallly resonated with this. and i see it‚Äôs connections in the novels i‚Äôm reading – these stream of consciousness readings. getting in the mind of all these characters like in Mrs. Dalloway.

As the authors mentioned yesterday – it‚Äôs something as simple as listening that can make a person more empathetic. and in class today we discussed the way in which literature makes us more empathetic the more we immerse ourselves into it. and i just thought , yes!! exactly. because when we read literature we are LISTENING to the character and we discover so much about these characters and can discover things about ourselves and the world around us. and these characters are just ordinary people. Clarissa Dalloway is just a person. Stephen Dedalus is just a person. But the point is they are people worth getting to know. every person is a hidden gem. it just takes listening and paying attention to help us realize this.”


suffer through

I haven’t written in what seems like forever and it is so unhealthy. I don’t even know how to write anymore – what to say, what to think, what to do to understand why I feel the way that i do. I just do. I feel happy sad. I have moments where I choose to experience the happy and other days where I choose to let the sadness consume me. And then there are days, like today, where I can’t choose and I just feel how I do. It is so frustrating. Because, what do I have going on in my life that I could possibly be sad about? Nothing. I never force a smile on my face, though. People always tell me that I look sad all the time. I am not always sad but I also don’t and will not ever pretend to be happy. That’s weak shit. One of the things that I live by is to always embrace the negative feelings you experience because it is truly the only way you can grow from it. Eventually, you become immune to the pain and it doesn’t hurt as much – but it never goes away. I just wish i lived near the people who understand me the most. I live near two. And it means the world. But to live near the other three would make life less shitty and less lonely. I am so lonely. And I have always struggled with loneliness. I love my solitude, don’t get me wrong. But there is a fine line between solitude and loneliness and half the time i cross over into the lonely threshold and it fucking suffocates me. I do it to myself sometimes. I push away the people that love me and I seclude myself from the world and I just sit alone in my apartment basking in it all – the loneliness, the sadness, the overwhelming feeling that I will never get to the place in my life where I am in my peak of happiness. Because no matter how many things go right in my life, something always has to happen that counters it and exceeds the happiness and then there i am again. stuck. it never ends. it is literal hell. The people that I love experience worse than me. I do acknowledge that and I don’t mean to say that I have it worse in the world because I know that I am so lucky in so many respects. But it doesn’t make my feelings less valid.

at the end of the day, I am proud of the person that I have become. I am wise. I manage my emotions well. I always find the calm within the storm and despite my own kind of suffering, I suffer through in order to help others suffer through. And that is my purpose in this life. And i will never stop fighting and I hope one day someone will see this in me and want that for themselves too. Life is never going to be perfect and there are always going to be setbacks, but know you are not alone and that with time, pain will subside and you too will suffer through.


everyone has their own battles.

It’s tough. Feeling like a stranger in my own home. Feeling like ¬†I wear a mask everyday to shield the concentrated liquid swelling ¬†my eyes trying hard to seep through. But they don’t. Because I’m strong. Stronger than most think but weak when it matters. I’m so FUCKING tired of being expected to act a particular way for the people that think they know me but don’t. I mean, it’s not like I asked to be born. It’s not like I am trying to be everything they never wanted me to be. I just am. I’m smart, sure. Not as street smart as I wish. Not to be dramatic, but some days I feel like life would be so much easier for everyone if I just didn’t exist. Life would be so much easier for me – if I never existed. I mean what do I really even bring into people’s lives except for rejection? and heartbreak? and dissapointment? The people closest to me, the ones that are deserving of the world, are the ones that I consistently see in pain, whether it be financially, a broken family, a broken heart, mentally. And this is why I refrain from telling them how I feel. Because why burden them with my feelings about my life and make it all about me? I’ve NEVER wanted to be the center of the attention, you can ask my bestfriends. ¬†I hate talking about myself. ¬†one of my biggest weaknesses is writing those essays that ask “What about you makes you special?” or “What makes you better than others to be a candidate for [insert occupation here]” Nothing. Literally nothing. I just breath. And try to laugh when I can. I don’t know how I am so god damn positive about everything that goes wrong, but I am. But somedays – lately the past month – ¬†it’s been so hard. It’s hard to be positive when you feel alone. When you feel you can’t talk to anyone but your fucking computer because if you tell anyone how you feel you get responses like “stop making things about you” or “no one is sitting here worried about you. everyone has better things to do.” LOL. So i just waste my day away by sleeping. Or I use the gym to get away from home and sweat out what I don’t cry. Or I focus on my plans for school. People always wonder why I care so much about school. “Why? What makes school so special? Why do you work so much and never make time for yourself?” Because when I do, I have to face the reality that my life is fucking shit. and i’m fucking unhappy. Okay? “Oh but, you have all this money.” No my parents have the money. I don’t have jack shit. “Oh but you have opportunities that people wish they had. You get to go to Baylor (your dream school), you get a nice ass car. You get an apartment all to yourself.” Yeah. I do. But you know what I don’t get? I don’t get the love and affection that i want/NEED. MOney and all these materialistic things are important yeah – to an extent. But if I could just have aany vehicle that works for transportation, if i had a place to get an education even if its not top tier in anything + the ability of not feeling alone. I would choose that. People just don’t understand. They don’t get that materialistic things aren’t everything when you have no one to share them with. I’m not writing this so when people read (if they even read this far) can pity me. I hate fucking pity. I don’t want any of you to say “I’m so sorry” or “I wish things were different” because what good is that going to do? If you got this far. All I want is for you to say ¬†is “I’m here and I hear you” that’s it. No pity. Just listening. That’s all I’ve wanted. To just not feel alone. Not have to fucking voice record my thoughts on my memos and listen back to myself.

I just needed to write this all out because if I went another day with just thinking these things, I probably would have exploded.

The real point of this all was not to focus on the indiviual problems going on in my life but just kind of a way of saying that everyone has their own battles they are fighting through and despite the fact that the media portrays life as glamorous and beauitful. They are simple screenshots of good moments. And yes, great moments can happen in the day but sometimes the rest of the day is shit or the week is shit. But in a way that’s why I enjoy photgraphy and documenting life sometimes becasue it focuses on the good times rather than the bad. But the bad must be acknowleged eventually and that is ¬†why I give you posts like this one.

In short, I know things will get better but I will NOT change who I am, what I love or my passions for the sake of money or for the sake of being accepted into my family. Because then who would be accepted? It wouldn’t be me but a fabrication. Anyways, thanks for listening/reading if you got this far. Needless to say, my summer did not go at all how I thought it would go in my last post. But I’m alive. And i’m in love. and i have beauitful bestfriends. And i believe that things will get better for them. Therefore, I believe things will get better for myself. Within time.

Talk to you all soon.

P.S. I’m leaving for London on Wednesday for Study Abroad. Maybe I will feel better there. Will continue to update. Hope you all are having a better summer than i am ‚̧


5.6.18 Updates


it’s hard to believe that the end of my 2nd semester of college is approaching. I have studied about 4 hours straight reviewing for my Neuroscience final that is tomorrow¬†(my last final)! I was in the mood to write earlier when I was studying but I forced myself to get through with reviewing all four units (14 chapters) before writing so now my urge to write has kind of depleted. I have to listen to myself more often! Anywho, this year of college has really tested my ability to be alone as well as my ability to balance my academics and my relationships (friendships, family, significant others). I felt so damn lonely for the longest time. It wasn’t until literally 2/3 weeks ago that I found someone very similar to me that kind of filled that void. I’m forever grateful for that. Also, I really improved in managing my time and studying. Depending on what I get on my final, I’ll most likely be looking at a 4.0 GPA as a Neuroscience major for this semester. Let me know if you guys want tips on studying, I’d be more than willing to dedicate a post to that. I’m just so damn ready to finally be able to make time for myself. I’m currently listening to¬†Kusanagi by¬†ODESZA.¬†The sun is hitting the table that I’m sitting at in Starbucks/Moody Library so nicely. I’ll insert pics ūüėČ SO much is in store for this summer. The first two months (May & June) will consist of time for myself, working out, writing, spending time with the people that mean the world to me. July will be spent in Great Britain and Paris studying Behavioral Medicine and Clinical Psychology. August will consist of bringing my mind back and ready to take on my second year of college moving into my very first apartment. Excited to spruce it up to make it a real home w/ cute plants and all the simplicities of life that make it worthwhile. This just turned into an update post lol but whatever, it works. I’ve taken to Tumblr¬†again which you guys can find me @notetolife as well. Tumblr is like twitter¬†for me but so much more intimate. I would love to connect with you all there as well ‚̧ ¬†I’m currently working on loving myself more and really just coming to terms with who I am. Okay, so now¬†Manastra //¬†Summer Salt¬†is playing. wow. i feel so happy. ¬†Anyways. I’m at the part in my life where I am still growing and figuring out what exactly I want in life and who I want to be in it. It’s a tough journey – life, But I know I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be now. Gonna let the light SHINE on me. That was unplanned but LMFAO, leave a comment if you know what that song references. If you don’t know, you haven’t lived. hehe. Anyways, I’ll wrap this up with a couple last words. I plan on writing way more like WAY more. On here. On Tumblr. I might try youtube again – covers and maybe even some originals that I have been working on. I plan on reading way more. My goal is to read about 5 books this summer.¬†Future Police //¬†The Irons.¬† Okay, I’m going to go back to studying. Thanks for reading it all the way to here if you did :’)

to all of the important people in my life: thanks for being here for me. I am internally grateful for you even if I don’t say it much. Colourway //¬†Novo Amor.¬†

talk to you all soon.



it’s hard. to lose someone who two days ago was explaining how much you mean to them and “how did you ever live without me before we met” and then all of a sudden two days later they aren’t in your life. I will never know why life consistently¬†throws curve balls at my heart as if it wasn’t already bruised enough from the past. You know how long it took me to heal those? about 2 years. when I met you. I have never felt such strong love. I have been in love, I’ll admit. But this? This was different. This was mature and healthy. No fights. Annoyances, of course, but despite disagreements, always knowing that at the end of it all it would be okay because we loved each other – like REALLY loved each other. best friends. lovers. what hurts the most is that there was no reason for the end. you are in love with me. you want to be with me. I’m in love with you. I want to be with you. So why aren’t we together? you know how “when you know, you know?” It’s cliche but it’s one of the truest cliche I’ve ever known. with you, i knew. I was surprised at myself how every guy¬†out there, attractive ones and not, would pass me by but all my eyes fixated on was you. I was comfortable to be myself. I gave myself. I trusted that this was the real thing. ¬†A part of me believes that this is a mistake. That you will realize that you love me and this was just you not knowing how to handle your¬†internal mentality right now. Another part of me wonders if I’m just wishfully thinking. I love hard. I put my entirety into the person I love. and it is never good enough. But maybe I should stop. Stop pretending like everything is meant to be. Because it if was, maybe you wouldn’t have pushed me away. You clearly felt this wasn’t for you. maybe you were just sugar coating the real reason. who knows? only you do, deep down inside. All I know is that people who are in love don’t just up and leave all of a sudden. life is hard yeah. life will always be hard. but what happens when you’ve¬†pushed away everyone who cares and loves you? You like to deal with your issues alone. It won’t work. My heart is my weakness and I feel like one day I will just drown in all the love I have created for you. the love that you no longer care to receive. maybe I’m just undeserving. maybe no one was ever meant to truly love me.

I’m drowning.


feb music tag: day 28,29,30

This music tag is coming to an end and I am kind of bummed tbh. This has been a really good mental exercise for me – more than I thought it would be at least. Having to take a topic and then figure out what song I thought related to it. I realized when I began this music challenge that there aren’t even 30 days in February, so I figured I would include 3 songs in this one. Like a mega-tag post. So keep¬†reading to hear day 28, 29, and 30’s song.

Day 28: “ An old song that you still listen to frequently”

I feel like I still listen to a lot of old Blink 182, Nirvana and basically older punk/rock bands. So I figured I would highlight a Nirvana song because last Tuesday was Kurt Cobain’s birthday :/ RIP. He would be 51. That’s crazy as hell.

Day 29:¬†“A song from your childhood”

I feel like day 28 is kind of similar. But anyways, I’ll highlight a major bop from my childhood that I have always loved.

Day 30: “Your favorite song at this time last year”

I just checked my TimeHop to see if I had posted a song on twitter this time last year because that is basically the main way I utilize Twitter.  And of course, I did. I love that my favorite songs are typically songs from before or early in my time. Old music never dies.

I’m lowkey sad that this music tag is over. But let me know if you guys enjoyed this. I will continue to do song/artist recommendations occasionally though. But I am extremely excited to start posting more on my therapeutic conversations/lifestyle tab – hopefully more consistently ūüôā


feb music tag: day 27

A song ¬†you associate with a book”

Unfortunately, I haven’t had much time to do outside reading this semester, so I figured I would do this post based off¬†of my favorite book:¬†Perspective by Robert J. Wicks.¬†It’s this psychology-based book that takes you through different perspectives in order to realize at the end that there is always a calm within the storm. In other words, there are always positives within the negatives of life and it is up to¬†you¬†to channel a particular perspective in order to achieve the ability to acknowledge that positive.

Anyways, this song reminds me of that concept.

Hope you enjoy ūüôā


ps : don’t forget if the video doesn’t play on WordPress reader, click to my website and it will play there!