January 2nd

Okay so maybe this won’t be raw poetry but maybe just writing whatever comes to mind? Not necessarily a poem but it can be. Think i’ll call it 365 Days. Basically the purpose of this so you all know is to make time for myself at least once a day and write whatever is on my mind even if it is just one sentence.

See what I mean? I already missed a day because technically it is already January 3rd but I am writing this one for the 2nd. I spent almost the entire day working on my statement of purpose and writing sample for grad school applications. I have just had this burst of motivation lately to finally get shit done when it comes to school which has been cool but I also think I am beginning to find a balance with making time for myself.

For example, I did not technically write on here, but I wrote my statement of purpose which was easy as soon as I started writing about my passion for literature and then around 10pm I left the house and hung with this cool ass guy (hehe) and we went to the skate park and I fucking suck man. lol. I ate shit trying to go down a ramp. And I was all in my head about it and it sucked. But he could tell I was in my head and he helped comfort me which was cool.

Life is cool when you are spending it with people who understand you. Anyways I have my GRE today and I am lowkey nervous but fuck it.

Have a good night 🙂

mo

January 1st

In between our rhythmic breathing 

Every touch 

Every sensation  

You see further than even the naked parts of me 

To the core of my soul – a place that hides from even me sometimes 

It’s no wonder I figured you could read my mind – that a mere glimpse in your eyes would tell you everything you would ever need to know about the way I feel about you 

Is it even a surprise at this point?

In the laughs

The affection

The music

The skateboarding (at least my attempt of it)

The car rides

The lack of appetite

The scotch and twisted tea 

The backyard nights 

The subtle kisses

The dope ass sex

The way you have rekindled passions in me that I had forgot existed

The way you have reminded me to spend time on me

The way spending time on me is spending time with you.

Mo (2021)

something new

i am definitely at a different point in my life than I was six months ago. Crazy — how you can go from believing that someone is the one to accepting that it is okay for chapter books of your life to come to a close to make room for new ones. Reading a book is like gaining knowledge. You immerse yourself. You learn from it and then that knowledge remains ingrained in your mind as you venture into new books, new territories, new experiences. That is where I am right now. I’m finally at the point in my life where I am ready for something new — ready to learn more about myself and continue to grow. For so long I was stagnant — feeling like there was no more I could improve in but it was because I was not being /challenged/ in the way that my mind, body and soul is meant to be. But now I am. And its honestly really refreshing. Its never easy to let go of your past. It takes years and sometimes it never happens. And that is something to be acknowledged — moving on from anything is a process. But it is possible, if you allow it to be. I am open and receptive for the learning opportunties to come as I continue the endeavor of something very new. It’s scary. Unchartered territories. But I know in my heart I am ready. 2020 has been very transformative so far and I am excited for what this new decade will bring for me and this blog. For those of you who are still a part of this, I am excited to share my journey more with you. Introspective Mo is back.

love u all

mo

perhaps

3.11.19

–  the truth about all love is that eventually it has to come to an end. whether that be because of death, feelings lost, someone new, perhaps timing? regardless the case, it ends and your forced to watch the pieces of your soul collapse on the bathroom floor alongside the river valleys and the whimpers –  wondering why the fuck you let it get to this point again and why the fuck you put your heart on your sleeve and let that person take it from you? you remember that it is the best thing that’s ever happened to you.

we all do.

yet, we still can’t help but regret giving ourselves and being vulnerable because whats the point of it all if in the end we are left to begin again?  or perhaps not? perhaps we will never give that part of ourselves away ever again. perhaps we will. perhaps it was never given away to begin with? perhaps it’s always been in you this whole time. and you thought you gave that part of you away but perhaps instead it was hidden –  within.

and perhaps on that bathroom floor wasn’t the pieces of your soul that your love threw back at you when they gave up but perhaps it was the pieces within you that were there – hidden –  saying “hey look. i’m still here. even if he isn’t.” and perhaps he will never love you the way you love him. but perhaps you can love yourself instead? and perhaps that self-love is something that can NEVER be taken from or ripped from your soul. perhaps it is the one kind of love that will never find an end. perhaps it’s the kind of love that we should all aim for.

perhaps.

mo

feb music tag: day 4

“A song that makes you sad”

There is an irony to sad songs. When I am hurting and listen to these songs, they end up giving me a feeling of consolation. Despite feeling comforted though, I do experience the feeling of sadness. But like some people say, “the hurt has to come first.” Actually, I don’t even know if that is a saying but if it wasn’t then now it is hehe. So with that being said, here is a song that makes me :/

mo

feb music tag: day 3

“A song that makes you happy”

When I watched the movie Sing Street, there was a word used to describe music that was sad but was made to sound happy. The word was “Happy-Sad.” It was specifically used to refer to music by The Cure. When I heard this,  I went back to listen to some of the songs I have by The Cure in my music library and I realized this description was so true. I would find myself dancing and singing to the music in a great mood despite the fact that the lyrics weren’t always so positive. Therefore today, I am leaving you all with a song that makes me happy to listen to even though the underlying meaning may not be so happy. After all, today is a song that makes me happy – not music that has a happy meaning.

mo

Quote from under this video that I thought was a perfect description:

“this shit makes me want to jump out a window in a good way”

February Music Challenge​

As some of you may know, I love music with a passion. Therefore, I wanted to do something different and fun as a way of sharing the music I love with you all. I know I normally focus on artists, but for this upcoming month, I want to focus on songs.  I know there are only 28 days in the month, but I will find a way to make it work hehe. I will post the picture below of the days and descriptions below in case any of you want to try it out with me. If you do, make sure to tag me or something so I can see what you guys enjoy listening to 🙂

Happy Listening..

Mo

IMG_5708

 

a song & a thought

I do not know what I would do without music to keep me sane when my thoughts are constantly racing. So here is a quick recommendation. This song, in particular, makes me think of a time in my life where I am getting ready to go out with close friends to a really nice dinner. I imagine myself putting on a burnt orange dress and heels. A point in my life where I am content and have no worries about who or what will come into my life. Instead, I am simply enjoying the present and all that it “presents” me with. I crave a time in my life as such. Maybe one day I will find that bliss. But for now, I think a part of me will always worry about what is to come. I suppose that is an aspect of myself that I would like to change. Life is hard. It is for everyone I am sure. I long for true happiness where I can sit on the couch that I have earned through hard work and persistence and hopefully one day share it with another. Until then, I am still an embodiment of dependence on financial supporters who are depending on my own hard work to make all of this worth it. One day, I will find that moment but for now, I just have to take it one day at a time.

Mo

 

 

Cigarettes After Sex

11:22 PM and I am here listening to recently added music and I can’t help but share this artist with you all. I was sitting in my room with a new friend of mine and this friend mentioned an artist to me that I had never heard of before. The beauty of meeting someone new is the potential of learning and finding new things because of that person. Turns out our music taste is very similar and he mentioned this artist, Cigarettes After Sex.  This music just makes me feel like i am on a roof looking at the stars and just soaking in all the emotions I am feeling whether they are sad, happy or both. Their self-titled album, in particular, is one I am extremely fond of. Let me know what you all think.

An Ordinary

A Note on Relationships: (#1: Do I Care Too Much?)

Relationships aren’t something new to me. and by that, I don’t mean I have been with tons of guys, just that I have had quite a share of lessons learned throughout my experiences.  Despite who I am with, I seem to continue to fall back into the same pattern. Although not evident at first, I begin to notice it as feelings progress within me. It is as if once I have decided “okay I am feeling feelings of love,” I just dive heart first into whatever it is and want to do everything in my ability to maintain a healthy, fun loving relationship. When I say “everything,” I do not mean irrational things. I simply mean that I do everything in my power that is healthy for the both of us to maintain a sense of happiness within the relationship.

I wouldn’t say that I am an amazing person to be in a relationship with and that I don’t have my days because believe me, I do. Relationships are never easy, clearly. But I do know that I give my all in every relationship. I understand the importance of communication when one of us aren’t happy with something one of us did. This doesn’t have to be anything as serious as infidelity. It can be things like “hey, I don’t really appreciate when I try to explain how I am feeling and you just try to change the subject to get my mind off of it.” It is little things like this that although are minuscule, can end up becoming bigger as the relationship progresses.

That brings me to my topic for this post: “Caring Too Much In a Relationship.” Lately, I have been feeling as if I care too much, and my eagerness to make sure that this person in my life is always happy causes me to overthink things like when he is sleepy and wants to go to bed, and mistake it for me having done something wrong to cause him to want to call it a night earlier than usual. Most of the time I am right when I feel he is upset, but I always feel like feelings of unhappiness or any other negative feelings should be addressed before the end of the day. That is just how I have always been. I begin to feel like I am just being selfish when I want to make things better and maybe he doesn’t want to discuss how he is feeling or does not feel like opening up at the moment. When I begin to feel like this, I automatically revert to telling myself things like “you care too much, you need to stop texting him, maybe if you ignore him you’ll lose some feelings.” Clearly, this is not the best thing to do and feelings aren’t something that you can control at your leisure.

The truth is, people cope with negative feelings in different ways, and we can’t exactly always be there for someone when we want to be. We just have to make sure to be there when they need us. Saying someone cares too much is like saying someone loves too much or like saying someone is too passionate about something they love. Instead, we should be asking ourselves, “Do  I care enough?.” “Do I do what I can to make sure that the person I am with is receiving the reassurance, passion, love, and consolidation that they need from me and for our relationship to prosper?” Until we start evaluating how well we are doing within the relationship, rather than looking over to see what our significant other is not up to par with, our relationships will not be able to thrive the way that they have the potential to.

Like mentioned earlier in this post, communication is key. Talk about your past, your fears, your dreams. Talk about when you are upset or when you are happy. Be there for each other. Never make the mistake like I have where you feel like you are caring too much or that you need to “stop your feelings from being too strong.” Embrace everything as it comes, the good and the bad. At least then you will know if the relationship does not work out, that you gave unequivocal proof of your all and dove heart first into the happy-sad, passionate and intense feeling we all identify as “love.”

Mo, an ordinary

P.S. let me know if you enjoy these kinds of posts and comment what topic you would like for me to cover next