you inspire me to write. to love. to consume every ounce of passion and throw it up across a keyboard, a piece of paper, a blue light screen at an hour in which I should be asleep. you have this funny way of creeping into my thoughts every time i finally think that i can handle life without you in it.
every independent has a first love – someone to show them that the world is not completely fucked up and that something positive can come out of allowing yourself to continue to live another day. everybody needs love even if they cannot admit it to themselves.
we know heartbreak because we know love. we know happiness, sadness, greed, hunger, thirst, jealousy, anger, EXCRUTIATING pain because we know love. we want to believe that we can handle everything life throws at us on our own but the truth is – our minds, our thoughts are fucking monsters. we need someone there to tame them.
you tame them.
our love tames them.
but we have to prepare for the day that the taming comes to a halt. the lips. the two-sided bed. hands. fingers. head-to-chest. only matched by an eye for Gestalt.
i accept that no love will ever compare to ours.
i accept that it will always be you.
but you cant tame my monsters if i cant tame yours.
I haven’t written in what seems like forever and it is so unhealthy. I don’t even know how to write anymore – what to say, what to think, what to do to understand why I feel the way that i do. I just do. I feel happy sad. I have moments where I choose to experience the happy and other days where I choose to let the sadness consume me. And then there are days, like today, where I can’t choose and I just feel how I do. It is so frustrating. Because, what do I have going on in my life that I could possibly be sad about? Nothing. I never force a smile on my face, though. People always tell me that I look sad all the time. I am not always sad but I also don’t and will not ever pretend to be happy. That’s weak shit. One of the things that I live by is to always embrace the negative feelings you experience because it is truly the only way you can grow from it. Eventually, you become immune to the pain and it doesn’t hurt as much – but it never goes away. I just wish i lived near the people who understand me the most. I live near two. And it means the world. But to live near the other three would make life less shitty and less lonely. I am so lonely. And I have always struggled with loneliness. I love my solitude, don’t get me wrong. But there is a fine line between solitude and loneliness and half the time i cross over into the lonely threshold and it fucking suffocates me. I do it to myself sometimes. I push away the people that love me and I seclude myself from the world and I just sit alone in my apartment basking in it all – the loneliness, the sadness, the overwhelming feeling that I will never get to the place in my life where I am in my peak of happiness. Because no matter how many things go right in my life, something always has to happen that counters it and exceeds the happiness and then there i am again. stuck. it never ends. it is literal hell. The people that I love experience worse than me. I do acknowledge that and I don’t mean to say that I have it worse in the world because I know that I am so lucky in so many respects. But it doesn’t make my feelings less valid.
at the end of the day, I am proud of the person that I have become. I am wise. I manage my emotions well. I always find the calm within the storm and despite my own kind of suffering, I suffer through in order to help others suffer through. And that is my purpose in this life. And i will never stop fighting and I hope one day someone will see this in me and want that for themselves too. Life is never going to be perfect and there are always going to be setbacks, but know you are not alone and that with time, pain will subside and you too will suffer through.
It’s tough. Feeling like a stranger in my own home. Feeling like I wear a mask everyday to shield the concentrated liquid swelling my eyes trying hard to seep through. But they don’t. Because I’m strong. Stronger than most think but weak when it matters. I’m so FUCKING tired of being expected to act a particular way for the people that think they know me but don’t. I mean, it’s not like I asked to be born. It’s not like I am trying to be everything they never wanted me to be. I just am. I’m smart, sure. Not as street smart as I wish. Not to be dramatic, but some days I feel like life would be so much easier for everyone if I just didn’t exist. Life would be so much easier for me – if I never existed. I mean what do I really even bring into people’s lives except for rejection? and heartbreak? and dissapointment? The people closest to me, the ones that are deserving of the world, are the ones that I consistently see in pain, whether it be financially, a broken family, a broken heart, mentally. And this is why I refrain from telling them how I feel. Because why burden them with my feelings about my life and make it all about me? I’ve NEVER wanted to be the center of the attention, you can ask my bestfriends. I hate talking about myself. one of my biggest weaknesses is writing those essays that ask “What about you makes you special?” or “What makes you better than others to be a candidate for [insert occupation here]” Nothing. Literally nothing. I just breath. And try to laugh when I can. I don’t know how I am so god damn positive about everything that goes wrong, but I am. But somedays – lately the past month – it’s been so hard. It’s hard to be positive when you feel alone. When you feel you can’t talk to anyone but your fucking computer because if you tell anyone how you feel you get responses like “stop making things about you” or “no one is sitting here worried about you. everyone has better things to do.” LOL. So i just waste my day away by sleeping. Or I use the gym to get away from home and sweat out what I don’t cry. Or I focus on my plans for school. People always wonder why I care so much about school. “Why? What makes school so special? Why do you work so much and never make time for yourself?” Because when I do, I have to face the reality that my life is fucking shit. and i’m fucking unhappy. Okay? “Oh but, you have all this money.” No my parents have the money. I don’t have jack shit. “Oh but you have opportunities that people wish they had. You get to go to Baylor (your dream school), you get a nice ass car. You get an apartment all to yourself.” Yeah. I do. But you know what I don’t get? I don’t get the love and affection that i want/NEED. MOney and all these materialistic things are important yeah – to an extent. But if I could just have aany vehicle that works for transportation, if i had a place to get an education even if its not top tier in anything + the ability of not feeling alone. I would choose that. People just don’t understand. They don’t get that materialistic things aren’t everything when you have no one to share them with. I’m not writing this so when people read (if they even read this far) can pity me. I hate fucking pity. I don’t want any of you to say “I’m so sorry” or “I wish things were different” because what good is that going to do? If you got this far. All I want is for you to say is “I’m here and I hear you” that’s it. No pity. Just listening. That’s all I’ve wanted. To just not feel alone. Not have to fucking voice record my thoughts on my memos and listen back to myself.
I just needed to write this all out because if I went another day with just thinking these things, I probably would have exploded.
The real point of this all was not to focus on the indiviual problems going on in my life but just kind of a way of saying that everyone has their own battles they are fighting through and despite the fact that the media portrays life as glamorous and beauitful. They are simple screenshots of good moments. And yes, great moments can happen in the day but sometimes the rest of the day is shit or the week is shit. But in a way that’s why I enjoy photgraphy and documenting life sometimes becasue it focuses on the good times rather than the bad. But the bad must be acknowleged eventually and that is why I give you posts like this one.
In short, I know things will get better but I will NOT change who I am, what I love or my passions for the sake of money or for the sake of being accepted into my family. Because then who would be accepted? It wouldn’t be me but a fabrication. Anyways, thanks for listening/reading if you got this far. Needless to say, my summer did not go at all how I thought it would go in my last post. But I’m alive. And i’m in love. and i have beauitful bestfriends. And i believe that things will get better for them. Therefore, I believe things will get better for myself. Within time.
Talk to you all soon.
P.S. I’m leaving for London on Wednesday for Study Abroad. Maybe I will feel better there. Will continue to update. Hope you all are having a better summer than i am ❤
it’s hard to believe that the end of my 2nd semester of college is approaching. I have studied about 4 hours straight reviewing for my Neuroscience final that is tomorrow (my last final)! I was in the mood to write earlier when I was studying but I forced myself to get through with reviewing all four units (14 chapters) before writing so now my urge to write has kind of depleted. I have to listen to myself more often! Anywho, this year of college has really tested my ability to be alone as well as my ability to balance my academics and my relationships (friendships, family, significant others). I felt so damn lonely for the longest time. It wasn’t until literally 2/3 weeks ago that I found someone very similar to me that kind of filled that void. I’m forever grateful for that. Also, I really improved in managing my time and studying. Depending on what I get on my final, I’ll most likely be looking at a 4.0 GPA as a Neuroscience major for this semester. Let me know if you guys want tips on studying, I’d be more than willing to dedicate a post to that. I’m just so damn ready to finally be able to make time for myself. I’m currently listening to Kusanagi by ODESZA. The sun is hitting the table that I’m sitting at in Starbucks/Moody Library so nicely. I’ll insert pics 😉 SO much is in store for this summer. The first two months (May & June) will consist of time for myself, working out, writing, spending time with the people that mean the world to me. July will be spent in Great Britain and Paris studying Behavioral Medicine and Clinical Psychology. August will consist of bringing my mind back and ready to take on my second year of college moving into my very first apartment. Excited to spruce it up to make it a real home w/ cute plants and all the simplicities of life that make it worthwhile. This just turned into an update post lol but whatever, it works. I’ve taken to Tumblr again which you guys can find me @notetolife as well. Tumblr is like twitter for me but so much more intimate. I would love to connect with you all there as well ❤ I’m currently working on loving myself more and really just coming to terms with who I am. Okay, so now Manastra // Summer Salt is playing. wow. i feel so happy. Anyways. I’m at the part in my life where I am still growing and figuring out what exactly I want in life and who I want to be in it. It’s a tough journey – life, But I know I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be now. Gonna let the light SHINE on me. That was unplanned but LMFAO, leave a comment if you know what that song references. If you don’t know, you haven’t lived. hehe. Anyways, I’ll wrap this up with a couple last words. I plan on writing way more like WAY more. On here. On Tumblr. I might try youtube again – covers and maybe even some originals that I have been working on. I plan on reading way more. My goal is to read about 5 books this summer. Future Police // The Irons. Okay, I’m going to go back to studying. Thanks for reading it all the way to here if you did :’)
to all of the important people in my life: thanks for being here for me. I am internally grateful for you even if I don’t say it much. Colourway // Novo Amor.
it’s hard. to lose someone who two days ago was explaining how much you mean to them and “how did you ever live without me before we met” and then all of a sudden two days later they aren’t in your life. I will never know why life consistently throws curve balls at my heart as if it wasn’t already bruised enough from the past. You know how long it took me to heal those? about 2 years. when I met you. I have never felt such strong love. I have been in love, I’ll admit. But this? This was different. This was mature and healthy. No fights. Annoyances, of course, but despite disagreements, always knowing that at the end of it all it would be okay because we loved each other – like REALLY loved each other. best friends. lovers. what hurts the most is that there was no reason for the end. you are in love with me. you want to be with me. I’m in love with you. I want to be with you. So why aren’t we together? you know how “when you know, you know?” It’s cliche but it’s one of the truest cliche I’ve ever known. with you, i knew. I was surprised at myself how every guy out there, attractive ones and not, would pass me by but all my eyes fixated on was you. I was comfortable to be myself. I gave myself. I trusted that this was the real thing. A part of me believes that this is a mistake. That you will realize that you love me and this was just you not knowing how to handle your internal mentality right now. Another part of me wonders if I’m just wishfully thinking. I love hard. I put my entirety into the person I love. and it is never good enough. But maybe I should stop. Stop pretending like everything is meant to be. Because it if was, maybe you wouldn’t have pushed me away. You clearly felt this wasn’t for you. maybe you were just sugar coating the real reason. who knows? only you do, deep down inside. All I know is that people who are in love don’t just up and leave all of a sudden. life is hard yeah. life will always be hard. but what happens when you’ve pushed away everyone who cares and loves you? You like to deal with your issues alone. It won’t work. My heart is my weakness and I feel like one day I will just drown in all the love I have created for you. the love that you no longer care to receive. maybe I’m just undeserving. maybe no one was ever meant to truly love me.
I realized I should’t put what the post is going to be about in the title because then it gives it away! But man, this tag is starting to get difficult. A song that reminds me of an event? I don’t really have any significant events that I have expereinced thus far because for most of my grade school years, I was so focused on school that I did not really have time or even take the time to do fun things. After I graduated, however, I went to this music festival in Houston and though it got rained out before I could see the main artists that I wanted to see, I was able to catch the Bad Suns show. Which I actually got some great footage of because I was in the front row. SO with that being said, here is one of the songs that they played that I like alot, and it actually has a really great meaning behind it. If you care to, please watch the whole video, it’s quite moving.
There is an irony to sad songs. When I am hurting and listen to these songs, they end up giving me a feeling of consolation. Despite feeling comforted though, I do experience the feeling of sadness. But like some people say, “the hurt has to come first.” Actually, I don’t even know if that is a saying but if it wasn’t then now it is hehe. So with that being said, here is a song that makes me
When I watched the movie Sing Street, there was a word used to describe music that was sad but was made to sound happy. The word was “Happy-Sad.” It was specifically used to refer to music by The Cure. When I heard this, I went back to listen to some of the songs I have by The Cure in my music library and I realized this description was so true. I would find myself dancing and singing to the music in a great mood despite the fact that the lyrics weren’t always so positive. Therefore today, I am leaving you all with a song that makes me happy to listen to even though the underlying meaning may not be so happy. After all, today is a song that makes me happy – not music that has a happy meaning.
Quote from under this video that I thought was a perfect description:
“this shit makes me want to jump out a window in a good way”
I contemplated which song that I would recommend to a stranger. It had to be a song that had special meaning to me and made me feel something. Wow, that wasn’t even planned but the song I am going to recommend to you all is from the album “Feel Something” by one of my favorite bands, Movements. This song is called Daylily and I’m not going to go into detail about what this song means to me and my mentality but just know that I am grateful for music like this — music that has the ability to grab me out of the rut when I feel like I am suffocating.
Hope you all enjoy and come back tomorrow for day 3 🙂
It is officially day one of the February music challenge. Today is “your favorite song.” While I don’t necessarily have a “favorite” song, I will include a song that I have been listening to a lot lately. I recently found out about this artist from my English professor (he is bad ass) and ever since then, I haven’t been able to get tired of this particular song.