the thing about love

here’s the thing about love – it knows no selfishness and no ego. it knows patience and wanting the other person to be happy just as much as you want to be happy yourself. don’t get me wrong – YOUR own personal happiness will almost always be a tier above another but when it comes to loving someone with all your heart, sometimes if they are lucky, they end up on the same tier as you so that when they are happy, you are happy. that’s true love. i have recently been going through quite a rollercoaster in my love life. i will spare you the details because it is personal. however, what i want to discuss, which is something extremely new to me was just realized as i hung up with the man that i love after finding out that there may be another woman in the picture. let’s keep in mind that me and him are not together. And i hadn’t told anyone but my closest friends about the situation/break up because it is extremely complicated how it came about. but we continued to be in each others’ lives as he worked/works on himself and we go about our own life challenges. These are just things that i have realized about myself and my character and i feel like it’s kind of a guideline into knowing whether you really love someone or not and a mature way to act in response to finding out about the one you love with someone else. there may be some controversy about how i should have reacted to this situation, but to be honest, this is just my character and who i am, and if you disagree, i understand but keep in mind that this is how I feel about MY situation.

1. Find happiness in the other’s happiness

i feel like in past relationships before this one, I have always said i cared about the others happiness but in a sense, i was selfish and would still get upset if i saw someone spending time with someone else more than me (even if they were just friends). i would get jealous. get rude. and act like someone that i didn’t want to be. but in this situation, after finding out that the person i hold so dear to my heart is spending time with another woman – not romantically – but that it may potentially become something more, at first, fuck yeah it hurt. but the more i thought about it, the more i realized how much i genuinely care for his happiness and that if she is able to provide him with the closeness and comfort that i cannot, being that i am about 3 hours away, then that was of the up most importance to me. i know it’s so easy for people to say “i’m happy for you” but it’s another thing to mean it. i mean it. as soon as i realized that this person was providing him what i can’t in a long distance relationship, all my pain went away because i knew deep down that he is benefiting as an individual from it, and what kind of person would i be to get mad or upset over it?

2. Don’t hate the guy. Don’t hate the girl either.

For the purposes of this piece, i will refer to him as M and her as W. if you are close to me then you know who i am referring to. if not, then just know that this is how i will be addressing them. I’m sure you would assume that i would be angry with W and think bad about her or even maybe feel insecure within myself and compare myself to her, but the truth is, i like her. A lot . i’ve come to the realization that i am a very egotistical person and it’s something i have been working on. i used to always think that cliché saying of “i’m different. no other girl will be as good as me.” but the truth is that EVERYONE is deserving of love. And just like i have so much to offer M, someone else might be able to offer just as much as me if not more. so who am i to say that W is no good for him, when she could end up being the best thing for him in this point in time? I am also not mad at M. He is doing what he feels is best. he is vulnerable right now and needs someone physically to comfort him. i know being vulnerable isn’t always an excuse but honestly? we are all fucking human. we get vulnerable and we let people in when we are because attention is nice and so is knowing that someone is willing to listen and understand or try to understand what you are going through. How could i be mad at him for being human?

3. Know that there is nothing wrong with you.

When i love someone and i’m in a relationship with that person i give my ALL. granted, i haven’t always been the best girlfriend in past relationships but the more and more experience i get, the more and more i learn what i was doing wrong, grow from it, and do better in the next relationship. this relationship, in particular, was by far the best i’ve ever been in. no power struggles. no sassiness. nothing but love and mutual understanding that we are equals and deserve respect at all times. i can honestly say that i feel like i have been the best girlfriend i have ever been in any relationship, HANDS DOWN. for this reason, i know that this situation isn’t happening because there is something wrong with me because i know that i did all i could. instead, it’s something out of my control that is happening for a reason – because it is what is supposed to happen at this given time. there’s no use in being insecure or wondering what she might have that i don’t, because everyone has something great to offer but at this time, i can’t offer what M needs. And i fully understand that.

4. Remember that Time doesn’t stop for anyone and the future is malleable.

What i mean by this, is that despite the relationship not working out, there is no way to know what will happen in the future. M and W could become something romantic and it could end up working out into marriage or it could end horribly. Or they could remain friends. I strongly believe that me and M will get back together in the end of all this. maybe that’s why i’m okay with things the way they are right now? but i also acknowledge that this could be the literal end of anything romantic for me and him ever again. but like i said. Time waits for no one. therefore, i will continue to live my life and be the best person i can be for myself and eventually for whoever may show up in the picture in the long run. i could end up alone with just a puppy living my best life or i could end up with M happy as ever because we made it through all the turmoil. Or i could end up with someone completely different. right now i honestly can’t imagine myself with anyone but M in the long run because i’m EXTREMELY picky and honestly i’m in love ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ but i know that things will work out the way they are meant to and i will never force life to be a certain way. All i can do is hope for the best and continue to work on myself.

I guess what i want you to all gather from this is that a true love exists out there for everyone and it may not always be perfect and there may come a time where you and your person aren’t meant to be in a relationship at a given time because maybe mental illness, or distance, or someone else in the picture. That doesn’t mean that things have to end on a harsh note and it doesn’t mean you can’t be in each others’ life again. I understand it’s easier said than done when it comes to not feeling sad about it. But i kid you not, i was sad about it right when he told me, but then i felt an overwhelming feeling of just love and passion for his happiness and well being that it superseded any negative feeling that i was experiencing. that’s what love is. happiness through the pain knowing that the one you love is experiencing the happiness that everyone deserves.

EVERYONE deserves love. Always remember that when you want to wish ill on another. Your character isn’t defined by just how you respond to situations but rather how you genuinely FEEL about the situation. choose to choose love. when love permeates the air, there really is nothing that you can’t do or get through.

mo

drowning

it’s hard. to lose someone who two days ago was explaining how much you mean to them and “how did you ever live without me before we met” and then all of a sudden two days later they aren’t in your life. I will never know why life consistently throws curve balls at my heart as if it wasn’t already bruised enough from the past. You know how long it took me to heal those? about 2 years. when I met you. I have never felt such strong love. I have been in love, I’ll admit. But this? This was different. This was mature and healthy. No fights. Annoyances, of course, but despite disagreements, always knowing that at the end of it all it would be okay because we loved each other – like REALLY loved each other. best friends. lovers. what hurts the most is that there was no reason for the end. you are in love with me. you want to be with me. I’m in love with you. I want to be with you. So why aren’t we together? you know how “when you know, you know?” It’s cliche but it’s one of the truest cliche I’ve ever known. with you, i knew. I was surprised at myself how every guy out there, attractive ones and not, would pass me by but all my eyes fixated on was you. I was comfortable to be myself. I gave myself. I trusted that this was the real thing.  A part of me believes that this is a mistake. That you will realize that you love me and this was just you not knowing how to handle your internal mentality right now. Another part of me wonders if I’m just wishfully thinking. I love hard. I put my entirety into the person I love. and it is never good enough. But maybe I should stop. Stop pretending like everything is meant to be. Because it if was, maybe you wouldn’t have pushed me away. You clearly felt this wasn’t for you. maybe you were just sugar coating the real reason. who knows? only you do, deep down inside. All I know is that people who are in love don’t just up and leave all of a sudden. life is hard yeah. life will always be hard. but what happens when you’ve pushed away everyone who cares and loves you? You like to deal with your issues alone. It won’t work. My heart is my weakness and I feel like one day I will just drown in all the love I have created for you. the love that you no longer care to receive. maybe I’m just undeserving. maybe no one was ever meant to truly love me.

I’m drowning.

 

A Note on Relationships: (#1: Do I Care Too Much?)

Relationships aren’t something new to me. and by that, I don’t mean I have been with tons of guys, just that I have had quite a share of lessons learned throughout my experiences.  Despite who I am with, I seem to continue to fall back into the same pattern. Although not evident at first, I begin to notice it as feelings progress within me. It is as if once I have decided “okay I am feeling feelings of love,” I just dive heart first into whatever it is and want to do everything in my ability to maintain a healthy, fun loving relationship. When I say “everything,” I do not mean irrational things. I simply mean that I do everything in my power that is healthy for the both of us to maintain a sense of happiness within the relationship.

I wouldn’t say that I am an amazing person to be in a relationship with and that I don’t have my days because believe me, I do. Relationships are never easy, clearly. But I do know that I give my all in every relationship. I understand the importance of communication when one of us aren’t happy with something one of us did. This doesn’t have to be anything as serious as infidelity. It can be things like “hey, I don’t really appreciate when I try to explain how I am feeling and you just try to change the subject to get my mind off of it.” It is little things like this that although are minuscule, can end up becoming bigger as the relationship progresses.

That brings me to my topic for this post: “Caring Too Much In a Relationship.” Lately, I have been feeling as if I care too much, and my eagerness to make sure that this person in my life is always happy causes me to overthink things like when he is sleepy and wants to go to bed, and mistake it for me having done something wrong to cause him to want to call it a night earlier than usual. Most of the time I am right when I feel he is upset, but I always feel like feelings of unhappiness or any other negative feelings should be addressed before the end of the day. That is just how I have always been. I begin to feel like I am just being selfish when I want to make things better and maybe he doesn’t want to discuss how he is feeling or does not feel like opening up at the moment. When I begin to feel like this, I automatically revert to telling myself things like “you care too much, you need to stop texting him, maybe if you ignore him you’ll lose some feelings.” Clearly, this is not the best thing to do and feelings aren’t something that you can control at your leisure.

The truth is, people cope with negative feelings in different ways, and we can’t exactly always be there for someone when we want to be. We just have to make sure to be there when they need us. Saying someone cares too much is like saying someone loves too much or like saying someone is too passionate about something they love. Instead, we should be asking ourselves, “Do  I care enough?.” “Do I do what I can to make sure that the person I am with is receiving the reassurance, passion, love, and consolidation that they need from me and for our relationship to prosper?” Until we start evaluating how well we are doing within the relationship, rather than looking over to see what our significant other is not up to par with, our relationships will not be able to thrive the way that they have the potential to.

Like mentioned earlier in this post, communication is key. Talk about your past, your fears, your dreams. Talk about when you are upset or when you are happy. Be there for each other. Never make the mistake like I have where you feel like you are caring too much or that you need to “stop your feelings from being too strong.” Embrace everything as it comes, the good and the bad. At least then you will know if the relationship does not work out, that you gave unequivocal proof of your all and dove heart first into the happy-sad, passionate and intense feeling we all identify as “love.”

Mo, an ordinary

P.S. let me know if you enjoy these kinds of posts and comment what topic you would like for me to cover next