everyone has their own battles.

(a long post for those who care to read or those who care in general)

It’s tough. Feeling like a stranger in my own home. Feeling like  I wear a mask everyday to shield the concentrated liquid swelling  my eyes trying hard to seep through. But they don’t. Because I’m strong. Stronger than most think but weak when it matters. I’m so FUCKING tired of being expected to act a particular way for the people that think they know me but don’t. I mean, it’s not like I asked to be born. It’s not like I am trying to be everything they never wanted me to be. I just am. I’m smart, sure. Not as street smart as I wish. Not to be dramatic, but some days I feel like life would be so much easier for everyone if I just didn’t exist. Life would be so much easier for me – if I never existed. I mean what do I really even bring into people’s lives except for rejection? and heartbreak? and dissapointment? The people closest to me, the ones that are deserving of the world, are the ones that I consistently see in pain, whether it be financially, a broken family, a broken heart, mentally. And this is why I refrain from telling them how I feel. Because why burden them with my feelings about my life and make it all about me? I’ve NEVER wanted to be the center of the attention, you can ask my bestfriends.  I hate talking about myself.  one of my biggest weaknesses is writing those essays that ask “What about you makes you special?” or “What makes you better than others to be a candidate for [insert occupation here]” Nothing. Literally nothing. I just breath. And try to laugh when I can. I don’t know how I am so god damn positive about everything that goes wrong, but I am. But somedays – lately the past month –  it’s been so hard. It’s hard to be positive when you feel alone. When you feel you can’t talk to anyone but your fucking computer because if you tell anyone how you feel you get responses like “stop making things about you” or “no one is sitting here worried about you. everyone has better things to do.” LOL. So i just waste my day away by sleeping. Or I use the gym to get away from home and sweat out what I don’t cry. Or I focus on my plans for school. People always wonder why I care so much about school. “Why? What makes school so special? Why do you work so much and never make time for yourself?” Because when I do, I have to face the reality that my life is fucking shit. and i’m fucking unhappy. Okay? “Oh but, you have all this money.” No my parents have the money. I don’t have jack shit. “Oh but you have opportunities that people wish they had. You get to go to Baylor (your dream school), you get a nice ass car. You get an apartment all to yourself.” Yeah. I do. But you know what I don’t get? I don’t get the love and affection that i want/NEED. MOney and all these materialistic things are important yeah – to an extent. But if I could just have aany vehicle that works for transportation, if i had a place to get an education even if its not top tier in anything + the ability of not feeling alone. I would choose that. People just don’t understand. They don’t get that materialistic things aren’t everything when you have no one to share them with. I’m not writing this so when people read (if they even read this far) can pity me. I hate fucking pity. I don’t want any of you to say “I’m so sorry” or “I wish things were different” because what good is that going to do? If you got this far. All I want is for you to say  is “I’m here and I hear you” that’s it. No pity. Just listening. That’s all I’ve wanted. To just not feel alone. Not have to fucking voice record my thoughts on my memos and listen back to myself.

I just needed to write this all out because if I went another day with just thinking these things, I probably would have exploded.

The real point of this all was not to focus on the indiviual problems going on in my life but just kind of a way of saying that everyone has their own battles they are fighting through and despite the fact that the media portrays life as glamorous and beauitful. They are simple screenshots of good moments. And yes, great moments can happen in the day but sometimes the rest of the day is shit or the week is shit. But in a way that’s why I enjoy photgraphy and documenting life sometimes becasue it focuses on the good times rather than the bad. But the bad must be acknowleged eventually and that is  why I give you posts like this one.

In short, I know things will get better but I will NOT change who I am, what I love or my passions for the sake of money or for the sake of being accepted into my family. Because then who would be accepted? It wouldn’t be me but a fabrication. Anyways, thanks for listening/reading if you got this far. Needless to say, my summer did not go at all how I thought it would go in my last post. But I’m alive. And i’m in love. and i have beauitful bestfriends. And i believe that things will get better for them. Therefore, I believe things will get better for myself. Within time.

Talk to you all soon.

P.S. I’m leaving for London on Wednesday for Study Abroad. Maybe I will feel better there. Will continue to update. Hope you all are having a better summer than i am ❤

 

New Year, New Approach

Happy New Year to all of you out there in the blogosphere! While the New Year is great for pushing people to set new resolutions and goals, I have never really been one to be like “Oh it is a New Year so I am going to workout and do this and that” because let’s be real who really ever sticks through those for the entire year? If you do, then I salute you, because I normally never make it to two months.  This year I am trying a different approach. For this year I have sat long and hard and asked myself, “In what ways would I like to see myself improve this year?” I then took those aspirations and figured out ways to incorporate some type of daily habit that would allow me to target those aspects of myself that need some refining. For example, this year I want to be more at channel with myself and my thoughts because last year I really let the things going on around me distract me from well, me. In order to incorporate this aspiration into my daily life, I have opted to do some form of meditation or writing every day. This really gives me a time to just focus on myself because let’s face it, if we take the time out of our busy lives to eat and use the restroom and call our family and friends, then we can set aside time for ourselves (especially because nothing is more important than you!) There is this whole misconception that if you think that way that you are selfish or that you are full of yourself, but sometimes you have to be when it comes to being TRULY happy. Never let yourself be distracted by the needs of others that you forget to put yourself first. I hope this approach works out for me. I’ll most likely do another post about my “daily habits” later on in the month. But until then…

Good luck to all of you in all of your endeavors for the new year…you can do it 🙂

Mo

A Note on Relationships: (#1: Do I Care Too Much?)

Relationships aren’t something new to me. and by that, I don’t mean I have been with tons of guys, just that I have had quite a share of lessons learned throughout my experiences.  Despite who I am with, I seem to continue to fall back into the same pattern. Although not evident at first, I begin to notice it as feelings progress within me. It is as if once I have decided “okay I am feeling feelings of love,” I just dive heart first into whatever it is and want to do everything in my ability to maintain a healthy, fun loving relationship. When I say “everything,” I do not mean irrational things. I simply mean that I do everything in my power that is healthy for the both of us to maintain a sense of happiness within the relationship.

I wouldn’t say that I am an amazing person to be in a relationship with and that I don’t have my days because believe me, I do. Relationships are never easy, clearly. But I do know that I give my all in every relationship. I understand the importance of communication when one of us aren’t happy with something one of us did. This doesn’t have to be anything as serious as infidelity. It can be things like “hey, I don’t really appreciate when I try to explain how I am feeling and you just try to change the subject to get my mind off of it.” It is little things like this that although are minuscule, can end up becoming bigger as the relationship progresses.

That brings me to my topic for this post: “Caring Too Much In a Relationship.” Lately, I have been feeling as if I care too much, and my eagerness to make sure that this person in my life is always happy causes me to overthink things like when he is sleepy and wants to go to bed, and mistake it for me having done something wrong to cause him to want to call it a night earlier than usual. Most of the time I am right when I feel he is upset, but I always feel like feelings of unhappiness or any other negative feelings should be addressed before the end of the day. That is just how I have always been. I begin to feel like I am just being selfish when I want to make things better and maybe he doesn’t want to discuss how he is feeling or does not feel like opening up at the moment. When I begin to feel like this, I automatically revert to telling myself things like “you care too much, you need to stop texting him, maybe if you ignore him you’ll lose some feelings.” Clearly, this is not the best thing to do and feelings aren’t something that you can control at your leisure.

The truth is, people cope with negative feelings in different ways, and we can’t exactly always be there for someone when we want to be. We just have to make sure to be there when they need us. Saying someone cares too much is like saying someone loves too much or like saying someone is too passionate about something they love. Instead, we should be asking ourselves, “Do  I care enough?.” “Do I do what I can to make sure that the person I am with is receiving the reassurance, passion, love, and consolidation that they need from me and for our relationship to prosper?” Until we start evaluating how well we are doing within the relationship, rather than looking over to see what our significant other is not up to par with, our relationships will not be able to thrive the way that they have the potential to.

Like mentioned earlier in this post, communication is key. Talk about your past, your fears, your dreams. Talk about when you are upset or when you are happy. Be there for each other. Never make the mistake like I have where you feel like you are caring too much or that you need to “stop your feelings from being too strong.” Embrace everything as it comes, the good and the bad. At least then you will know if the relationship does not work out, that you gave unequivocal proof of your all and dove heart first into the happy-sad, passionate and intense feeling we all identify as “love.”

Mo, an ordinary

P.S. let me know if you enjoy these kinds of posts and comment what topic you would like for me to cover next 

A ChitChat

I have been slacking and I am just now realizing that I haven’t really indulged in all the past times that I typically do and I haven’t really had any “me” time. I guess that is how it is when we are so busy doing all our day-to-day life activities that we never really take time to just stop and say “hey, I am going to take some time for myself and do something that I genuinely want and enjoy doing. Something that I am not just obligated to do as an everyday necessity.” That’s the first problem I encounter when I am busy. Another problem is when I have SO much free time that I don’t know where to begin so I just sit there and think about what I should do and before I know it, the day is over and I accomplished nothing. If there is one thing that you should all know about me, it is that I am obsessed with the thought of being productive. Notice that I said the “thought of” and not the “task of” because let’s be real, when you are given time off from your typical circadian rhythm or what I call “adulting,” it sounds soo amazing to just sit on the couch and Netflix and chill as the youngins say. I say youngins but I fit into that category lol. Despite this, if I am not productive, I get an enormous headache for the rest of the day. But of course, what would life be without an obstacle? So there is the dilemma. I have to be productive or I will get a headache, but I need some damn me time. So how the hell do I balance this out with a compromise? I decided to create a schedule for myself. Keep in mind it is the summer before my first year in college, which I will write about in another post and I do not work so I have ALOT of time on my hands. My schedule will be as follows:

Wake up at 8 AM everyday. Make breakfast. Workout. Shower. Then take time to have some me time. Whether that be reading a book, playing piano, singing karaoke, writing music, etc. Then I will have my scheduled “productive” part of the day which will either be younowing, blogging (which honestly is therapeutic to me so that can be considered part of my me time) and planning out my upcoming youtube videos, filming & editing.

I feel with this schedule, I will be able to balance my day with things I could honestly use more time doing as kind of a stress reliever for me and things that are necessary for me to complete in order to maintain my youtube channel and maintain a “productive day.” Everyone’s idea of productivity is different. This is just mine.

In what ways are you productive when you aren’t working/in school? I would love to know. 🙂

until next time…

An Ordinary

Your GPA Does Not Define You

persevere

I apologize for my absence this past week. Despite feeling, for the most part, happy all of last week, I’m not sure I was all there mentally to be able to actually sit down and write. But, I am back!

It is the last and final semester of my senior year and I have always been one to keep up with my grades and make sure that I am maintaining A’s and the best GPA possible. But lately,  I have felt so laid back about school. It isn’t that I don’t care about my grades, I just choose not to let them define me as a whole. I used to constantly stress about grades and honestly, I just wasn’t that happy with how my life was going. I always believed that the key to success was having the best grades and scoring 100s on tests. Junior year, when I began taking AP classes, a fact was thrown in my face: I can’t always get 100s on all my tests. Certain subjects will be difficult for me to grasp,this was AP US History last year, and that is okay! What matters is that you accept your grade, try to learn what you did wrong, and try not to make the same mistakes that you did in the past. I winced at the idea of having to go to tutorials (time after school to get help) because I thought it was embarrassing that I was struggling when I had never had problems with any classes before that year. I realized after I began going to tutorials that I got better when I actually acknowledged that I was struggling with the class and went to lengths to improve in my weaknesses. And you know what? I ended up scoring a 4 on the AP test (the best score being a 5).

Despite the struggle, last year really taught me that it is not those who have a gift to succeed who actually succeed in life but the people who take advantage of the resources they have and use them to persevere and continue to push themselves even when they are down. A lot of individuals who are successful had to work their way up. And this is what I plan to do. Continue to persevere and do my very best to be my very best. Your GPA does not define you as a person. Your character, your willingness to push yourself despite the trials and tribulations, and your passion is what will fuel your success. Keep pushing forward.

An Ordinary